To me, the “safest” option apart from not eating, is to eat alone. Nobody can see, nobody can judge, nobody can comment.
Today I stopped myself at the door and sat back down in the kitchen.
I should be glad that I didn’t it, but I have a horrible feeling this is just a new found way of protecting my disorder: if m housemates think I’m eating easily in front of them then they might assume it is ok now & I can continue to be eating disordered. I say this, because this is what went through my mind:
“This will make them think I’m getting better”
“I can still lose weight, but it will be less obvious if they see me eating. I just won’t eat when I’m not with them”
“I feel like a fat, horrible person,but it’s ok. It’s just a way of throwing them off the trail”
I guess it is progress in terms of my anxiety problems that I did this tonight. But yet again, my ed is just finding ways to keep itself going. When I wait for them to leave the cooking area to avoid being in their presence when cooking/ eating, I am incredibly irritable and defensive. So, if I eat in front of them then I will also appear emotionally more stable.
Little do they know what is really going on.
I want to want to get better, but I don’t. Not even 50/50 anymore.