Eating with them.

To me, the “safest” option apart from not eating, is to eat alone. Nobody can see, nobody can judge, nobody can comment.

Today I stopped myself at the door and sat back down in the kitchen.

I ate.

I should be glad that I didn’t it, but I have a horrible feeling this is just a new found way of protecting my disorder: if m housemates think I’m eating easily in front of them then they might assume it is ok now & I can continue to be eating disordered. I say this, because this is what went through my mind:

“This will make them think I’m getting better”

“I can still lose weight, but it will be less obvious if they see me eating. I just won’t eat when I’m not with them”

“I feel like a fat, horrible person,but it’s ok. It’s just a way of throwing them off the trail”

I guess it is progress in terms of my anxiety problems that I did this tonight. But yet again, my ed is just finding ways to keep itself going. When I wait for them to leave the cooking area to avoid being in their presence when cooking/ eating, I am incredibly irritable and defensive. So, if I eat in front of them then I will also appear emotionally more stable.

Little do they know what is really going on.

I want to want to get better, but I don’t. Not even 50/50 anymore.

 

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6 thoughts on “Eating with them.

  1. I know this feeling and this thought-process. Its a sneaky way of attempting to convince others that you are okay, and letting your eating disorder continue.
    Stay strong, you deserve recovery. Go easy on yourself, be happy that you made the choice to eat today, no matter the motive.
    xoxo

  2. The thing you have to look at is WHY you don’t want to get better. What purpose is your ED serving for you at this time? Are you using it as a coping mechanism – and if yes, what are you trying to numb out? How can you tackle the root cause of your restriction without using these behaviours?

  3. I hate to eat infront of people too. I hate the comments. I’ve gotten to the point where I even lock my door to have a cup of coffee. And I’ve hidden the meal replacement mix I bought for this week in room. You’ve done well making this step! Well done x

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