What would being recovered be like?

The other day I was clearing out a load of stuff, and came across my overcoming anorexia book. Inside I had done some of the tasks (before I put it to the back of a drawer.. ooops), one of which was to write a letter to your eating disorder to say goodbye and imagine a recovered you that you have mentally created.

Dear eating disorder,

you have been in control of me for quite a long time now. I do see that as a friend, but I hate how stressful it can be, how much I upset other people, feeling tired all the time, and not being able to do normal things. 

I want to be able to leave home in September and feel strong and confident, and ready to face a new phase of my life positively. I am so excited to start singing, dancing and acting all day everyday, but it is also scary. I am worried that I will feel out of control and want to hold on to my eating disorder.

If I can, I want to be happy, healthy and have a nice body. I’m afraid I will become fat, but in my mind I can imagine a version of me that is recovered and NOT disgustingly overweight. When I have recovered I will have more mental and physical energy to devote to important things. I will no longer be pinned down by rigid limitations and worries that my eating disorder imposes on me. It will be acceptable to take pleasure in eating and I will no longer be this ball of emotional energy that can be sparked off into a state at the slightest comment… I want to be enjoyable company for other people, as the odd times I have felt genuine happiness and confidence around my friends have been so good. I want to feel able to think in a calm, rational, focused way most of the time.

I want to feel free, not trapped in a box where I am battling to hold on to my genuine priorities, as my eating disorder tries to push out the things I truly care about.


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