I feel more embarrassed about my bulimic behaviour than my anorexic ones, so tonight I just wanted to use my blog to be honest about what bulimia does to me.

When my eating disorder began it was purely anorexic. Eventually I had my first binge (during my first bout of therapy when I was trying to eat more, and I just couldn’t stop. I realised how much I had deprived myself of.)

This single experience made me more guilty than any, so I purged. Throwing up wasn’t enough, and so I stayed up to exercise for 4 hours that night. I chose to fast the next day, which ended with another binge, another purge, another night spent exercising.

Getting stuck in the binge/ purge cycle happened so quickly that I didn’t know what hit me.

My gag reflex is pretty crappy, and I often found I couldn’t be sick however hard I tried. Over exercising and laxatives then became my crux. I didn’t ever want to be sitting down during the day and literally moved as much as possible. I lived like this for months on end and have never felt more depressed and anxious.

Instead of admitting I had developed another eating disorder, I chose to stay in denial and be relived to have been discharged from treatment due to my returning to a healthy bmi.

Nowadays, my eating disorder is even more cemented, but thankfully the bulimia morphed itself back into anorexia. I know that isn’t really something to be pleased about, but when I have “anorexic binges” now (eating in a way that feels like binging, but does not amount to a binge amount or even a normal amount) I cannot cope with the emotional ups and downs. I would rather feel a bit down all the time than suffer the yo-yo and secrecy of bulimia.

Most people in my life know about my anorexia, so I don’t have to be so secret. My family know I am old enough to make my own decisions. They want me to get better, but they have given up arguing with me. In these circumstances I can be “openly” anorexic (although the ed still seems to make me lie from time to time), but not openly bulimic. Frankly, it just reinforces all the ed crap about feeling empty and perfect…

5 thoughts on “Bulimia.

  1. I’m also much more embarrased about my bulimia than my anorexia, even tho both my disorders are well known by family and friends. But for some reason I find bulimia more shameful. X

  2. Probably has to do with the societal and individual connotations of starvation (being pure, disciplined, in control) vs. gluttony (being lazy, impulsive, uncontrollable). It’s so distorted though.

  3. I can relate to this a lot
    I developed anorexia first, although I was in complete denial
    Bulimia came later
    At the moment bulimia is ruling my life
    Extreme highs and crippling lows
    Anorexia is more subtle
    You’re just numb all the time

    I feel that bulimia has a stigma that you’re greedy and disgusting if you binge and purge
    Who wants to admit to eating the contents of the fridge and then throwing it all back up
    I sure don’t

    Take care x

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