I don’t know why I torture myself this much

I remember one night, when I was supposedly weight restored from my anorexia and on the way to recovery, and I tried to tell my Mum that I was eating too much now. I was so conflicted between hiding my new found bulimic behaviour, and being honest and cryng out for help, that my sobbing and anger that night seemed like nothing more than an anorexic struggling to accept what a normal quantity is.

During that conversation with my Mother I expressed my horrendous guilt about feeling fat and wanting to lose weight again or die. She responded with the most upsetting thing I have ever heard:

I just don’t get it. You needed to eat more, and now you just want to lose weight again. If being thin matters so much to you, why the hell are you sitting here telling me you can’t stop eating? It makes no sense. Why do you torture yourself?

I wanted to scream. Of course being thin was the only important thing! My anorexic brain was shouting at me like there was no tomorrow, but the bulimia was fighting back. Starve all day, binge and compensate all night. It made me wish I was dead on several occasions, especially as what my Mother said made me feel even more alone and misunderstood than ever.

A year has passed and I am still fully entrenched in my disorder- predominantly restricting. Today has been one of the sporadic binges, which are usually brought on by having been so deprived of calories and my emotional state. My anorexia tells me that I am a failure for allowing bulimia to even get a look in on my day. I cannot allow myself to go to sleep until I have walked around for 8 hours… I have done 3 and a half so far.

This is all just torture, but there is no other way. I won’t be able to sleep if I lie there knowing I haven’t done what I’m supposed to, and if I’m going to be awake then I may as well do something useful with the time.

11 thoughts on “I don’t know why I torture myself this much

  1. Anadancer, I sooo get the struggle between bulimia and anoriexia and I want you to know what there is hope! I spent a long time in treatment before I found recovery. It seemed like it took me forever to understand that I wanted it, and then even more time to figure out how to get it. You seem really aware of yourself! Don’t give up! xoxo Erin

    • So good to know that I’m not alone! I think you are absolutely right in that once I understand that I do want recovery I can do it. Thankyou πŸ™‚ xx

  2. I’m really sorry your mum said that. It must have been so hard to hear because I know you must feel like absolutely no one understands, but people do. Maybe not your mum, but that’s ok. Not everyone can understand. It sucks that they don’t, but they can’t.
    Don’t let the fact that so many people don’t understand get in the way of finding those out there who do understand and can help.
    I hope it gets a little easier for you soon. It seems really difficult.

  3. First things first: were you really eating “too much” or a normal, hwalthy amount that only an anoretic would deem “too much”? as someone who is bulimic, i want to point out that binging purely from malnutrition is biology, not bulimia.

    Second, about the exercise – The key word here is “supposed”. Who says you’re “supposed” to do it? What does doing it achieve other than make you more unhappy and unhealthy?

    Personally, I use ED as a form of self-harm to cope with anxiety. So, by treating my anxiety, my bulimic compulsions are lessening. Were you depressed before your ED? Anxious? Unfulfilled? The self-torture is a symptom, not a cause.

    I have faith in you – I know you can pull through this. I only comment on blogs where I genuinely believe in the person behind them πŸ™‚

    • Thank you for taking the time to write such a thought provoking comment.
      I genuinely was eating too much. At first it was just biology, but it soon developed into its own entity, where I would eat like 3000 calories after eating very little in the daytime hours. I felt unable to be completely honest about it, and so it continued and those around me believe I was simply recovering from my anorexia,
      The anorexia is who tells me to exercise. It is literally a compulsion, and I think I’m often unaware of how much extra jiggling and fidgeting I do even when sitting, as it feels normal now!
      I certainly had a very low opinion of myself and my body before my ed, but for me the anxiety and depression came as a result of it, not before.
      Thank you for the positive words. I always think tha any positive advice I get all adds up and fuels my motivation to make better choices in the future πŸ™‚

      • You do realise 3,000 is the baseline recovery intake, right? And that anorexics need more calories to maintain healthy weights? πŸ™‚

        I’m always here if you need to talk. We can beat this together!

      • I guess at the time it just felt like so much and so out of control. I didn’t know that I might need more to maintain a healthy weight though, so thanks!
        Hope your day is going well x

  4. Why can’t you grasp life? I don’t mean to say this judgementally – just asking you to think about that. What has life not given you, or what does your life lack, that your disorder is fulfilling for you? Why are you not ready for recovery, if its something you want enough to be able to consider it?

    I care about you, and I hope you pull through this. I know you’re strong enough to – it takes just as much energy to maintain an ED as it does to recover from one.

    Take care.

  5. I like my alone time too – I have anxiety and ADD and find that sometimes too many people around sets off manic episodes/anxiety. You’re not alone there! πŸ˜€

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