I have recently come to the end of a short period of CBT and now have another wait for the next step of it. I suppose I have progressed a little, but the difference is pretty tiny. I can now eat in front of a few more people than I could before.. and that’s it. I’m not eating any differently, I’m exercising more compulsively. and I am just as preoccupied with my body and calories as ever.
On a more positive note, I do know I get to continue my training where I am already next year, which is a MASSIVE bit of good news! But now this is definite, my parents are pressuring me to get longer lasting therapy there (before, my excuse has been “what’s the point if I end up moving again in the summer?”) I am not against recovery, but the idea of having that first appointment all over again just fills me with dread. I can’t count the different people I have seen on one hand anymore, and I am frankly bored of waiting/ being optimistic about whoever the new person is/ relaying the entire saga of it all to yet another person.
Being perfectionistic as I am, I feel like it would be inadequate to accept help until they tell me I’m anorexic. As I now live in a different part of the uk to where I was diagnosed and treated before, my ed wants the same justification it had initially. I know it is irrational and dumb to think like that, but I can’t argue myself out of it. I know that the eating disorder will never reach “the bottom” and so it is pointless to tell myself I will try to recover when a certain set of circumstances arises. The circumstances will constantly keep changing, I will keep pushing back the idea of letting go, I will keep feeling like this, and all because it is scary and stressful to change.
In spite of all that, I imagine sitting with one of my present housemates in our future house (just the two of us next year woop woop!) and eating. I fantasise about planning nice meals together, cooking together, eating yummy things… but I am thin in all of those mental images.
I don’t have a bloody clue what I want. I want to feel and eat normally, but I would rather be dead than look normal and chubby and horrible.
Reading that back I am ashamed of sounding so vain. I know that it seems like it is all about my body, but really I know it is just control. I don’t want to be or feel out of control…
Any progress is good progress! Don’t beat yourself up just because you feel you ‘should’ have done better. Where is this ‘should’ coming from, anyway? The ED-Perfectionism? 🙂 X
I think that is precisely where it is coming from! As usual, I seem to be pretty expert at being negative! Thanks for reminding me x