A difficult point.

I am at a really tough place in my illness at the moment. I spend time (invountarily) thinking about self harm, calories, food, weight, my worth, my insecurity, my anxiety, and whether I’d be better off dead. 

After beginning to think things like “why don’t I just walk into this road and die,” I got prescribed antidepressants. So far, nothing is particularly different, as they take a while to kick in.

In a CBT session today  I had to talk about negative experiences I had when growing up. Of course, these included things like a period of having multiple panic attacks a day, or my lowest/ highest weights, when I first self harmed etc. The therapist said it sounded as though I wasn’t at my worst in some ways at the present moment. 

I disagree.

I am more mature. When I panic now, I know what a panic attack is, as opposed to the early days in my anxiety when I had no clue what was happening to me. And in terms of my ed, everything is habitual. Sure, it is stressful. but those around me know me as the “me” I am WITH my ed, which makes me appear more normal that I actually am.

I am not better. I am in a horrendous mind frame. I am sick of wasting my life. I am so happy to be pursuing my dream career, but I am speechlessly unhappy with the way that my feeling and emotions are tainting that. I constantly think that I need to be in a mental unit. I can’t live my life like this.