So it’s been a while since I posted. I have so much to say that I have struggled to order anything that made any sense! So here goes:
Since my last post I’ve started on sertraline. I’ve always had this strong feeling about not taking tablets, but when I’ve started imagining my own death and thinking about ways one could die, I figured maybe the drugs are worth a shot. A bit up and down, but sometimes I am definitely feeling their positive effect.
I’m also starting to make some real progress with engaging with therapy. The thought of being weighed terrifies me so much that I’ve been discharged from treatment for lack of compliance in the past. Maybe it’s the drugs; maybe it’s me, but I’m suddenly understanding why they want me to have regular weight checks.
My cbt is taking place through the uk IAPT service. I know that usually it would just be an ed service, but because of my depression and anxiety, one of the iapt therapists has decided to see me and use an eating disorder formulation ( with additions for other issues). She is a lovely lady and I feel totally comfortable in being honest with her. I like that she will always be honest with me too – like if there’s an aspect of eating disorders that she is not 100% sure about. Most of the time though, I feel like she is helping me map my way through my thinking, and I’ve never felt so clear about how and why and when I do and think as I do.
Obviously, it is early days, and I self harmed two days ago, BUT I am beginning to have hope that I can change. Wow. That doesn’t even sound like me talking!