As I write this, I’m pacing the room to burn calories. I find it impossible not to obey the compelling feeling to exercise at night.
Throughout my life – before my ed included, I have always associated the end of the day with a treat. That used to be something from the corner shop after school, or a dessert after dinner. Nowadays, I am obsessed with planning what I can have the evening, subsequently filled with a fear of binging , and whatever I eat (even if it is less than planned) , ending the night with copious amounts of walking.
I suppose I do loathe the fact I can’t sleep without doing it, yet at the same time I do enjoy the peace ad quiet on some level. I have a suspicion this may be my disorder clinging on for dear life though…
I was talking to somebody about my disorder (they brought it up) and they were asking about my opinions on thinness. That was hard because I am utterly consumed by a necessity to be thinner and to criticise my body and compare myself with others, yet I perpetually tell people that eating disorders aren’t about being thin. Understandably the friend who asked was a little confused by this! I guess the truth of the matter is this:
being thin feels like the most important thing, but really what I want is to be in control of my life. If I worry about food and my weight, I don’t have to feel the pressure of adult life and growing up. I want to be independent, but I’m terrified of failing
I screwed up today. I didn’t do my food diary for cbt and I snapped at my mum with no good reason. She was commenting on my mood positively, I defended myself instantly and told her that I still think suicidal thoughts everyday so my outer mood doesn’t matter blah blah blah…. I regret saying that. No parent wants to hear their child’s wishes to kill themselves.
Tomorrow morning I have to phone and make the dreaded doctors appointment to be weighed. Utterly petrified and it isn’t until the 16th! I just don’t want her to think I don’t have a problem. I don’t want her to think I’m weak, or dumb, or fat. (And yes, I know that sounds ridiculous but that’s what I’m thinking right now)
Bye for now!