When the disorder becomes a person

At the beginning of my disordered eating, my desire to control food felt obligatory, but I didn’t have specific thoughts in my head (I just felt certain that eating out of my rigid control was a terrible failure. )
At some unidentifiable time that automatic feeling about food became a voice- a powerful, loud voice.
Take this evening: I “binged”- by which I mean I ate more calories than I’m comfortable with, but no more than what I should eat. The feeling of utter anger, guilt and fear became a series of horrendous thoughts.
why are you sitting down you fat pig. You are such a worthless idiot. If you don’t get up and exercise you might as well not wake up tomorrow.
All of those sentences came at once and were repeated over and over again. It’s like the eating disorder person in my brain was literally jumping on my rational thoughts and shouting over the top of them. The voice is always there; when I’m happy it tells me I would be sad if I gave it up; when I feel negative it tells me that listening to it is the only way out.
Everyday I just want to rip off chunks of my body and make it better. I know that really that won’t fix anything, but I feel like it would change my whole life. Either that, or I just wish I wouldn’t wake up at all.
My medication is working (might not sound like it). I have less active suicidal thoughts, just the constant desire to be dead if that makes sense…
I hate that my clearest memories at the end of each day are the crap ones.

One thought on “When the disorder becomes a person

  1. I know how you feel. My eating disorder convinces me it is not quite time to let it go. That somehow it can take away all the pain. Instead, it just adds more. I wish you lots of luck. We can get through this!

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