I don’t want to lose it

Today in my therapy session we spent time talking about “normal” eating and thoughts around food. I was shocked to discover that nobody really makes judgements about the food others have. It would seem that most people enjoy food, and therefore enjoy their own with no care for anyone else’s !
This was definitely useful when trying to calm my anxiety about social eating, but it has also made me realise one of the very uncomfortable aspects of my disorder: it gives me an inner sense of validation. And because of that, I feel like my ed is only real if I get “stepped up” from iapt to the eating disorder service. How dumb is that?!
I did some extensive google searches on the nhs and mental illness and found out that one iapt service does specifically say that it treats ed patients when immediate medical complications are not severe enough for secondary care services. This made me feel like the level of therapy I’m having now is appropriate for an eating disorder and that I shouldn’t need to allow myself to get worse because of my need for justification.
My other huge worry right now is that I’m still utterly obsessed with the link between losing more weight and being happier. I logically accept that that thought is not proven to be true; yet I can’t help but feel like all the regular eating and anxiety exposure etc that I’m doing means squat if I’m still trying to lose weight.
I hope not, because I am trying to do my therapy homework and eat more regularly etc (even if I’m not increasing my calories) confused is not even the word right now … Do I actually to lose my ed or not?
The answer: yes…. And no…