So it would seem that I have taken an interesting approach to therapy:
I am doing what I’ve been asked in terms of scheduling food regularly throughout the day.
I am doing all the emotional diary stuff and challenging myself in anxiety provoking scenarios.
I’m taking my antidepressants.
What I am not doing, is accepting my body or eating more. Am I eating frequently? yes
Do I still want to lose weight yes Am I determined to be an ok (under) weight for my doctors appointment this month? yes
So I am doing better than I have done in the past. I mean, first time I had therapy I basically stared into space through my appointments and listened to sod all they said. But I’m hardly a model client now either. I just feel like I’m a waste of everyone’s time. If there was magic way to recover my mind but have a thin body, then I would be right there, cos I’m not in a place to accept my body or allow it to change in any way but down sizing. It is all so terrifying and right now I would give anything to be buried in a large hole.
I am committing to my therapy, and doing some pretty tough things, yet it is easy to forget anything positive I’ve done when all I’m thinking about is my stupid body.
I don’t want to get fatter. I’d rather be dead.