Recovery and relapse all at once

So it would seem that I have taken an interesting approach to therapy:
I am doing what I’ve been asked in terms of scheduling food regularly throughout the day.
I am doing all the emotional diary stuff and challenging myself in anxiety provoking scenarios.
I’m taking my antidepressants.

What I am not doing, is accepting my body or eating more. Am I eating frequently? yes
Do I still want to lose weight yes Am I determined to be an ok (under) weight for my doctors appointment this month? yes

So I am doing better than I have done in the past. I mean, first time I had therapy I basically stared into space through my appointments and listened to sod all they said. But I’m hardly a model client now either. I just feel like I’m a waste of everyone’s time. If there was magic way to recover my mind but have a thin body, then I would be right there, cos I’m not in a place to accept my body or allow it to change in any way but down sizing. It is all so terrifying and right now I would give anything to be buried in a large hole.
I am committing to my therapy, and doing some pretty tough things, yet it is easy to forget anything positive I’ve done when all I’m thinking about is my stupid body.
I don’t want to get fatter. I’d rather be dead.

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One thought on “Recovery and relapse all at once

  1. Hi!
    I totally get what you are saying. My therapist told me something yesterday that might help out in this situation. For people like you, and me, who are trying to become healthier in the way we think, we have to go through an adaptation period. And that adaptation period is filled with ups and downs. So one day you can be feeling great for sticking to what your therapists asks you to do (and you can even feel like that has brought on some improvements) while the next you can be feeling sad for realizing how much you still have to do (and how much you really, really don’t want to do it).. But the important thing is whether we’re in an “up” or “down” moment, we have to always keep going on this path that we have committed ourselves to (can you tell I’m in an “up” phase right now? hahah).
    Stay strong! xx

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