Punishment

Every morning I wake up wishing that I could I restrict and/ or exercise enough to be satisfied, but that never happens.
I feel like my disorder forces me to be addicted to punishing myself; exercising when I’m exhausted, eating when I hadn’t planned to, restricting to a point of wanting to give up on living etc.. Most average people enjoy treating themselves, so why do I have to be different!? Be it eating out with loved ones, going for massage, taking an afternoon nap on the weekend… People do things that are kind to themselves.
I hate how I feel when I allow myself to break the cycle of doing punishing things. It’s like my mind doesn’t want me to feel rested or calm.

Well that sucks.