It gets confusing…

Obviously, I want to be able to think and behave normally in regard to food and my emotions, but I can’t help but feel puzzled by my fear of letting go.
I don’t enjoy the negative aspects of my illness, but I feel like having an eating disorder is my identity. I’m with a lot of new classmates this term, and only a few of them know about my mental illness. I told a couple of them today, just because it seemed an appropriate conversation for it.
I told them proudly how eating in front I them was a massive step for me, and that I was glad I had done it. However, I can’t imagine my life without having to work hard to do normal things like that.
I want to be ill and in recovery all at once. Perhaps that’s just because that is pretty much where I am at the moment and I don’t want anything to change.

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