Resisting temptation.

Tonight I suddenly became overwhelmed with a depressed mood. At first I was sitting motionless, then I became unable to be still for even a second. It was so sudden and powerful.
I thought of self harming and staying up to pace the calories away. I managed to stop this from happening.
I did pace a little, but I was able to also get myself ready for bed and tell myself it was important not to stay up late. Normally it is impossible to see the future benefits of not exercising compulsively when I’m in a mind frame where exercise feels like the only viable option.
I am making progress. There. I said it.
I sort of feel apologetic about doing something positive for myself. I have been talking about my belief that I don’t deserve good things In therapy, and it is a really big hurdle I need to jump.
If I was an alcoholic, I could avoid most alcohol related situations, but the things that worry me or I’m afraid of are all inescapable. Food will always be a part of life. Exercise will always be a part of life. Big social occasions will always be a part of life. Uncertainty and change will always be a part of life.
Most people have no idea what facing your fears really means unless they have to do it everyday too.

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