All about security

Whether I am in a restrictive phase, or a starve/binge phase, my eating disorder is always about trying to feel some security in life. I might not know if I’m going to do well in classes, or if something bad is going to happen, but if I know what I’m allowed to eat then it all feels ok.
When the plan goes wrong (and I binge, if in that phase) then I have to use food and exercise to regain the control.
In the long run, my eating disorder provides me with with very limited, momentary relief. It can’t alter what will happen in the future; it can numb feelings and distract me from more painful thoughts.
I love having a mental illness. Yep, you read that correctly. Just like the fleeting feeling of comfort and security though, I only like it sometimes.
The times when I’m particularly distressed I absolutely hate my disorder. I hate that other people don’t have to deal with such strong emotions and time consuming, punishing behaviours. I hate that I’m never really certain whether my illness embarrasses me or makes me feel proud.
It is confusing that I feel so conflicted- but I know this is a common feeling among mentally ill individuals. I just wish that the average person were able to understand the struggle of it. It is so difficult to go through life knowing that most people, however much they care, will not be able to help you.

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