“Do yourself a favour..”

Doing myself favours isn’t something that happens often. I just always feel compelled to be getting ahead of myself, creating a safety net for the future. If I do that work now, I will relax later… Or not. That just means I work now, and find something else I need to do later!
I have a hectic week. Hours of physically demanding assessments has left me feeling drained. My muscles are screaming more than usual, but I still can’t do myself a favour and chill out! My body clearly needs food to help it repair, but the voice in my head won’t allow for that. My eating disorder doesn’t do kind- just criticism, punishment and guilt.
I don’t understand how to enjoy relaxing.

10 myths about eating disorders & recovery

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Sometimes the noise is too much

The more time goes by, the more clear and loud the voice in my head becomes. Every minute of every day it is there, constantly trying to negate everything. It feels like a tiny girl inside me who has a ghostly, persuasive voice. No matter what I do it is there (even at times when I’m making positive progress). When I try to do good things it tells me I’m weak for giving in. I get angry that I feel like I need that voice to survive when I know it makes me want to destroy myself.
Illogical, hurtful, a habit set in stone.
My medication has improved the suddenness of my changes in mood, but the dreary, depressed thoughts are always bashing around in my mind, regardless of my emotion in that moment.
There are times when the voice shouts so quickly that all I hear is noise. I stop knowing what I’m thinking, or wanting, or doing. I want to shut it up. Trouble is, it’s not like an annoying person who can be avoided; it is part of me. Therefore the only way to silence it it is to kill myself. I often want that to happen, and have tried to make it happen, but other times I just wish I didn’t have to question the value of living and be normal- you know, take life as it comes instead of worrying it away.