I remember the first time I found myself relating to eating disorder stories on tv, or online. I suppose I knew that my behaviour wasn’t normal, but I found it hard to believe that I was bad enough for it be a “thing.”
That was quite a few years ago, yet I’m compulsively walking to burn calories as I question the existence of my disorder as I write.
I had a therapy session today- with a woman I really like, but it has left me feeling a bit lost!! As I’ve been seeing her for some time now, we’ve covered a lot of different issues from panic attacks to social eating to self harm. On many levels I have learned a lot about myself and how to take a step back when things are chaotic, but still, I feel utterly out of control of myself.
Sometimes I feel so crazy and extreme that my own personality gets lost in the insanity, but other times I just feel like a liar.
Do I really feel depressed?
Did I really overdose to kill myself?
Do I have an eating disorder at all?
Am I just a dumb young girl who doesn’t want to be fat?
Am I really struggling?
Am I just useless at life- unable to cope?
The problem is, eating disorders are crafty; they make you want to be the best at having one, and they make you want to hold on to them.
Of course I know I would be happier if I didn’t have to live like this, but it is starting to feel like I will never be “normal”. I don’t even know if I want to be normal or not! Wow… That sounds mental.
I understand more, but I still can actually do many things any more healthily or normally.