In therapy, I have recently been talking about how disordered behaviour of any kind is often a form of defense. Until I was spoken to and questioned, and I didn’t know that I was protecting myself from feeling like a failure, the worst person. Take my school years for example: I never had a detention or forgot my homework; in fact I wouldn’t have been able to handle being told off at all. Even when my whole class was being lectured about something or other, I always felt some level of guilt or upset about it (even though I would never have done anything wrong!)
How does this happen? How does the mind form thought processes that become so cemented, but are so abnormal? Who knows…. all I know is that this has been a problem for me since I was very young.
I have a friend who recently came out of the closet, and he always says that he would choose to be straight if he could, but he was born gay. He doesn’t believe that you can choose your sexuality- just like I believe you can be born with a high chance of developing mental illness. Regardless of the circumstances I was born in to, I’m pretty sure I would have ended up this way anyway. My personality makes me drive myself to be perfect, makes me punish and berate myself for mistakes, and makes me someone who will be treated badly to avoid conflict. I would never be somebody to voice other people’s wrong doings, I just suck it all in and translate it into some kind of personal flaw.
My bubble of ed behaviours, depressive and anxious thoughts/ actions feel safe and comfortable, and temporarily relieve whatever given emotion I feel compelled to numb, but really it is protecting me from being. I can’t think only of the present moment, and when I can do that, it is always a negative focus on a present error or imperfection. I simply don’t understand how the average person thinks and behaves, as from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep my mind is full of this little voice that shouts all these horrible things.