Ticking a box

In the next month or two, I will be having my 3rd assessment with an nhs eating disorder service. Having moved to another part of the uk, it will be a new team of people assessing me.
I know I have an eating disorder, or why would I have been in therapy for it where I lived before?! But still, the fear of not ticking a box is ruling the roost. I know I have lost and added various disordered behaviours over time- you know how mental illnesses adapt to maintain themselves in new circumstances- but my feelings are no different. Eating causes distress whether I’m restricting, bingeing, fasting or whatever… It’s always on my mind. I’m always going to “fail with food.”
I’m scared they won’t diagnose me.

The never ending waiting game.

Life is never static. However wonderful or terrible the present moment is, it never lasts.
I feel like my years with my disorder have been spent largely waiting for everything to be ok; waiting to be “thin enough”; waiting to be “happy enough”; waiting for the problem to be “real”; waiting for the day when waking up didn’t feel like a disappointment.
I have incredible friends, and amazing opportunities in this stage of my life, but my disorder sucks away at me all the time. It has become so intertwined with me, that I can be doing anything and I can still hear what it’s saying. Yet I still don’t quite believe my eating disorder is bad enough (for what, i don’t know).
Therapy wise I’m in a scary place at the moment… Awaiting my 3rd ed assessment (moving across the country means I’m with a different doctor and all that crap so had to be referred to my current local clinic).
I’m terrified, both of them thinking my problem isn’t real, and of them thinking it is.

Myths Your Eating Disorder Tells You

Dear Bee

You can get rid of me any time. I promise. This is just a phase. Just a diet. Tomorrow, you can start fresh. Tomorrow, you won’t be tempted or triggered by me anymore. I promise, you can eliminate me anytime you like. Why would I want to hurt you? I’m here to help. 

In fact, why don’t you look at like this? You need me. Without me, how would you have any sense of control? You wouldn’t. You would be completely overwhelmed by your own emotions and own existence. You should be thanking me for saving you! I am protecting you from the chaotic abyss that is the dark and scary unknown. I am rescuing you from external pain

And your body needs me. Without me, it would be even worse than it already is…if you could imagine that to be possible. It, too, would be uncontrollable. Large and grotesque…

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Therapists being people

I had a session the other day, and while waiting beforehand someone I knew came in.
It was the low intensity therapist I saw before being put on the higher one. I was shocked that she remembered me after so many months!
And then it hit me: THE ONLY 2 therapists in that building today were my old one and my current one.
I know that therapists are professional and don’t blab about people, but as I left, I couldn’t help but think about what they would be saying about me. Do they talk? Do they like me?