The never ending waiting game.

Life is never static. However wonderful or terrible the present moment is, it never lasts.
I feel like my years with my disorder have been spent largely waiting for everything to be ok; waiting to be “thin enough”; waiting to be “happy enough”; waiting for the problem to be “real”; waiting for the day when waking up didn’t feel like a disappointment.
I have incredible friends, and amazing opportunities in this stage of my life, but my disorder sucks away at me all the time. It has become so intertwined with me, that I can be doing anything and I can still hear what it’s saying. Yet I still don’t quite believe my eating disorder is bad enough (for what, i don’t know).
Therapy wise I’m in a scary place at the moment… Awaiting my 3rd ed assessment (moving across the country means I’m with a different doctor and all that crap so had to be referred to my current local clinic).
I’m terrified, both of them thinking my problem isn’t real, and of them thinking it is.

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