Making time

I always feel as though my to do list is never ending. There are some things that just get put off over and over again. My eating disorder wants everything to be under control, and so, naturally, instead of doing what I have to do, it tells me to make time to plan food and exercise instead.
The voice in my head dreams of having me all to itself- I could live in a room shut away from the world and have infinite time to indulge in obsessive behaviours and thoughts.
It frustrates me that this burning desire is so strong when I know that it is the disorder talking.

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“You can’t say that!”

Mental illness makes you pessimistic. Recovery makes you try harder to value the good things in your life, but that doesn’t mean that life suddenly becomes perfect.
Nothing is perfect, and although my eating disorder finds it impossible to believe in terms of food and my body, it is true. I realise that I can never be totally free of my disorder.
Recently, a friend of mine has been on my back a little about “signing myself down for being like this forever.” I’m not saying I can’t recover at all, but she doesn’t understand that there are some thoughts and feelings that are uncontrollable, and whether I engage with them or not I will always have to battle to push them aside.
I believe there is a chance I may need to take my medication for the rest of my life; she thinks that is negativity, but has never experienced what I do and so cannot make that judgement.
For me, being able to function normally on a smaller dose of meds would be success. I don’t think it is realistic or healthy for me to expect a “perfect” recovery from myself.