Dear me:

Inspired by “dear bee” blog, this is my disorders words to me.

I am a series of insecurities united. I am the voice that has grown in strength since that time when you were 8 and I told you to weight out your food.
I survive on the knowledge that you need me, you don’t know what you’d do without me, that I can always fill a void or take away the pain of real life. Most of the time we are friends, because you still believe that keeping me will make you safe and happy. Sometimes you disagree with me, but normally I get my way. You aren’t selfish or angry or sneaky- that’s what I’m for. I take those feelings and let them out by punishing you until there’s no emotion left. I am your protection and an enemy. You hate me for making you feel isolated and misunderstood, but you love me for giving you something to keep your attention away from uncomfortable experiences that life outside of me has given you.
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Intelligence and eating disorders.

Although I’m sure there are many sufferers who don’t fall into this category, it is proven that a large proportion of eating disorder sufferers are perfectionistic, over achieving students.
What confuses me about this is that eating disorders make you feel childish sometimes. I might have an academic record of straight A’s, or complete an essay in record time, but my fears about food and my body translate into rigid, child like thoughts and behaviour.
In many ways I like being alone and independent. I feel good when people think I’m mature and organised. But then my ed makes me feel like a baby who needs to be mothered, who can’t look after themselves, who can’t cope alone.
Strange really…