My whole life I’ve been the student referred to as “such a sweet girl.” I hate conflict, and so have showed kindness as much as possible. Don’t make enemies, avoid conflict, cruise along with life… Or so I thought.
I’m slowly learning that nobody can be a compatible friend to every other human being on the planet. It just isn’t possible.
For the first time in my life I’ve taken a serious look at who I trust and who causes me more stress than anything positive.
I’ve tried not to hurt anybody’s feelings, but I have told a couple of people that I just find myself sensitive at the moment and perhaps need some distance.
As it is a new feeling and experience for me, I’m not yet sure how I feel, but I know one thing for sure: I never thought I could have the courage to put myself first.
I don’t know about anybody else, but I often cover my emotion by using a different emotion- like I might act happy when I’m afraid.
It’s starting to frustrate me because it makes it difficult to be honest with others and develop closer relationships. How can I let people in?
But, to put a positive spin on the day I want to say I am proud of myself.
Today I got out of bed.
Today I went to all my classes despite planning on leaving early.
Today I worked hard.
Today I tried my best, and accepted I might not be perfect.
Today I held off from checking things for 20 minutes longer than usual.
What did you do?
I first new I was depressed after the passing of a loved one, but soon realised I had actually been suffering for months before the traumatic event that brought it out into the open.
I felt lethargic, always wishing for bed but being totally unable to sleep when the time came. I felt… Flat…. Like lots of things didn’t matter anymore.
A few people told me I couldn’t have depression if I didn’t cry all the time.
(FYI that’s a total lie!) for me, depression sometimes makes me feel almost emotionless. Why would I cry if I don’t care about anything? Who has the energy to cry anyway?
Sure, periods of my depression have been tearful, but I’m constantly amazed at the general lack of understanding about mental illness, and how a lack of an obvious symptom makes many people immediately shrug off your feelings.
To anybody who is depressed:
you are not alone. No feeling lasts forever. Not everyone will understand, but it doesn’t make it less real
Night for now xx
Two posts in one day?! Sorry 😂
I just wanted to make a shout out and say that I’m going through some crappy symptoms from my medication increase right now. And to anyone else out there IT GETS BETTER.
I always start wondering if it’s worth being on tablets when this happens, but it can be truly amazing so don’t lose hope if, like me, it takes some trial and error to make things move forward!
Today began ordinarily: I woke up feeling tired, trudged to college, dragged myself through warm up. And then my day just kept getting better.
My whole day I had good classes and just felt inspired in each one of them. The day flew by because I felt so lucky to be spending my day loving what I’m doing.
If you’re reading, do something you enjoy today 🙂 it made the depression voices leave me be for a while.
So I recently got the Timehop app on my phone and it inspired me to look back at some old blog posts. I usually just write and post! No re-reads or alterations, because my blog is a way for me to organise my thoughts.
I was curious, but not nervous to read my old entries, but I was surprisingly emotional when I saw them. I had forgotten many of the horrible, lonely, desperate stories I wrote about, as well as some amazing memories that I documented.
I guess it has taught me that no mental illness stays the same . Whether it gets worse or better, life changes and so our disorders change too.
It was an important realisation for me, seeming as one of my biggest ed thoughts is that I’m not sick enough/ I have been more sick, deserving, thin…. But all in all, I was sick then, and I’m still sick now. But sickness is slowly teaching me the value of wellness & one day, I want to be able to be in a position to appreciate every day of wellness as a gift.
I might still suffer, but I’m no longer silent; no longer alone; and no longer hateful of those helping me.
Change takes time, and I am getting better at facing my struggles and the outside world with patience.
Eating disorders make hundreds of goals for you. It’s hard to work out what are my priorities as opposed to the ones laid out for me by the voice in my head.
Recovery is scary. I have failed many times, been the uncooperative patient, or given up. Now I’m starting the process again and I am terrified.
My brain is racing. At the moment it seems like it is always running away with an idea that is usually negative and stressful, but I’m so tired and have so little energy that it’s hard to be coherent and understand what I’m thinking. If only the voices would stop… Just for a second.
Silence really is golden.