Making peace with the struggle

In my mind recovery from anything has to begin with acceptance of the struggle for what it is. When it comes to my depression or anxiety that seems easy, because the negative effects they have on my life are very clear.
Why oh why is my eating disorder a million times more complicated?
From the perspective of those around me, my ed causes me all pain and no gain, but I feel that it’s the glue keeping me together.
The voice in my head runs rings around me over this subject, and so I’m going to make a little list here:

1. Until you are thin you’re struggle isn’t real
2. Unless people suspect you are sick then you aren’t; instead you are just a weak person
3. If you lose all of your disorders then you will be left with nothing
4. You cannot make peace with a disorder that you haven’t been “successful enough” with (being skinny enough to be “good” at the ed)

When I’m in a calm frame of mind as I am now, all of those automatic thoughts make me sad. Is it really necessary to be so mean to myself? Maybe my life would be better if I was more forgiving?

My therapy homework is to write about an imaginary day where the disorder has disappeared overnight. Wish me luck….

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