Defeated

Today sucked. Well, most of it did anyways. My doctor tried to tell me that my thoughts and feelings are more important than her weighing me all the time. I see that my illness is mental at its core, but all that did was make me think she must believe I’m not thin enough to be a worry.
Fuck everything.
I’m tired of people telling me that I’m so smart and so they don’t know how I am so blind about my ed. But I think I’m seeing clear as daylight. I know what people really mean; I’m not fooled by it. Nobody thinks the physical side of my ed is serious and/or obvious. Well that’s just a pile of shit. I’ve wasted all these years and effort for it to be nothing? When will I be thin enough to be able to accept that I need to change?
Never.
Because history shows me I suck at my eating disorder. I’m probably just wishing I had one and imagining my suffering.
I’m so confused, angry, sad and hopeless right now. Why is it so painful.