I’m still waiting

I feel like I am always waiting to be thin enough. Ever since I gained weight from developing bulimia during my anorexia “recovery” I have been longing for thinness. Of course, those around me thought my weight gain was great… I however thought I was the most disgusting failure.
I know I’ve lost weight consistently for several months now. Others have noticed it. But because people know I have an ED, it’s different to before. Nobody says I’m too thin or whatever because they already know my problem. It’s fucking annoying.
I’m waiting for outside validation that my body is unhealthily thin. That time has gone. People are aware of my ED, so I’m just waiting. Waiting to disappear it feels like.
At the same time I am challenging myself and working on some aspects of recovery… Just not the weight bit.
It’s the same old dilemma.

Friday feelings.

On a Friday evening I often reflective on my week of classes. Today I feel surprisingly positive. I had a … Sorry, what’s the word? Good, you say?! Yes. I have had a pretty GOOD week.
Obviously it’s lovely to be able to exhale with gratitude because I haven’t been too depressed or useless for one week, but it causes problems. By that I mean that my denial gets a booster, because surely if I were sicker I wouldn’t feel this way. Surely, if I was actually as sick as what my friend says then I wouldn’t have gotten through this hectic 5 days.
I really feel like I’ve been stood at the middle of a crossroads for a few years now. I don’t know whether the pull of losing weight and remaining disordered is greater than the long term life changes of recovery. I struggle to think long term.
Anyway, happy Friday!!!

I wonder what feelings feel like….?

Tonight I’m lying in bed, mulling over another day where my emotions have confused. I frequently have no idea how I feel, or have emotions that explode as if from nowhere. It is all or nothing… Well, not nothing. More like all or some kind of confused numb haziness!
I would love to know how a person without mental health issues registers and reacts to their feelings. Are feelings easy to recognise? How quickly do they pass? Are emotions as strong as for me?
Who knows..

Sometimes I need listeners.

It is a well known fact that complete recovery from a mental illness requires motivation and action which only the sufferer can give. Lots of people struggle; lots of those people won’t get better.
I was diagnosed with OCD not long ago. If I could wake up free of it tomorrow, I wouldn’t hesitate.
Ditto my depression.
Ditto panic attacks.
But my eating disorder is…. Special. It’s special in the sense that it feels like it is my own, unique possession. I have known that voice in my mind for a very long time. I have also had my weight be a symbol of my worth and happiness since as young as 8 years old.
Having an eating disorder makes you feel like you are doing something. It fills your mind, your time, your dreams. You want to be recovered and have a new and wonderful life, but not until you have “succeeded” at sickness.
It’s confusing, painful, and tiring.
Every day I listen to endless self critical thoughts while constantly checking whether or not each body part is getting smaller. I like everything that normal people hate: feeling my bones, not having big boobs, only having a small amount covering my skeleton.
My obsession with controlling my life and my happiness using food and my body is a constant source of emotional pain, but I have some incredible friends in my life.
I know there are a handful of kind, loving people who will always be there for me, no exceptions. I might FEEL alone, but I am cared for. I am lucky to have the best friends in the world to simply listen. They can’t fix me when I’m not sure about recovery, but they are there. Always with kind words, or even something to make me laugh. I hope I give them the love they are always offering to me.

Thursday tips: anger

So… Anger… Rage and stuff. I suck at it. I’m somebody who can’t show anger and so directs it inwards. I find myself easily choosing self hatred, instead of expressing justified anger to those who have caused it.
Over the last 7 or 8 months I have been in more confrontations than I would have liked, but these unavoidable times of life have taught me so much about the importance of telling people what you think.
In my opinion, many people with eating disorders or who self harm find negative emotions challenging. It’s difficult to take the emotion as it is when you become accustomed to releasing that feeling through your behaviours.
I’m not perfect, but I can tell people I’m annoyed now.

1. Start to write down all your reasons for your anger. Scribble over them as if they are insignificant. I always like I’m in control of my feelings then.
2. Tell the person who pissed you off, or ignored you, or upset you etc that what they said was hurtful.
3. AVOID blaming them. Even if it was definitely their fault, just relate it all back to the way you feel. Blurting and ranting all your rage never helps.
4. Be reasonable. Compromise, but don’t be walked all over. Cool, calm and collected πŸ˜‰

Anger can make you feel so uncontrolled and uncomfortable, so don’t hold it in. Go for a run, draw, scrub clean the dirty dishes. All feelings pass…. Xx

Greetings 2015!

I like the psychological new beginning that a new year brings, but in reality I feel the same both at 11.59 and 00.01. πŸ˜‚ Anyway, this post is just my own summary of the good, the bad, and the random that 2014 had for me.

As a passionate hater of being cold, my year was naturally improved by the lack of snow in January. It was unusually sunny on my birthday in March, and a heatwave followed!
I saw some amazing shows in London and spent quality time with the friends I went with.
I committed to watching kati morton on YouTube everyday and now question what I did with my life beforehand…
I was able to visit family abroad and feel so lucky to have that time.
My housemate changed for the better. I now live with someone who knows me better than I know myself at times. She is caring, supportive and hilarious. We have the best time together and I’m grateful everyday to have such a wonderful friend.
I reached the halfway point of my 4 years of training, finishing with a summer show that I really enjoyed.
My summer was full of friends, family and cuddling my pets… Perfect.
I am lucky enough to do what I love everyday during term time.
I came home for Christmas and spent it with my family.

Family dramas are always harder when you aren’t there to help. I learned this the hard way. Many tears were shed.
I ended up at the hospital after my mentalness got the best of me.
My former housemate became a nightmare to live with.
I got hurt by people because of my inability to say words when I’m angry.
Medication withdrawal sucks.

I discovered an excellent pair of Christmas socks in my old bedroom.
I hit my head on the car boot door by accident.
I won a pointless quiz and sadly never got a prize.

Happy new year!!!!