My “ED ideal”

I saw my psychiatrist today and it was the first time I’ve really ranted about situation to him. Usually I withdraw and struggle to talk, but my frustration and anger just fuelled my speech. 

I feel stuck in a mental trap. My Eating Disorder tells me I need to get really underweight in order to succeed at my disorder. Then I must maintain this perfect, tiny body by eating again. The voice tells me it’s totally possible to recover while holding on to the body it makes me strive for. 

The image in my mind is of an almost flat body. No unsightly lumps and bumps- just small everywhere. Really, the image is a child’s body… Bum not really sticking out much, slender limbs, flat stomach, a small face, no boobs.

My Eating Disorder wants me to have a child’s body that can handle an adult life. Nothing I do satisfies my goals so I remain stuck in this angry mind frame, unable to expel my feelings. 

PS. SO MANY LIKES AND NEW FOLLOWERS 🙂 thanks 🙂 especially from Seleneangst

Xxx

“You just need to even it out”

My ED tells me everything will be ok if I balance my calories with hours spent water fasting. However long I go without food won’t be enough, and my logical self knows that, but I’m so sucked into my disorder right now that it convinces me this time will be the one. My depression has gotten bad, evidenced by my sleeping until 2pm today. It just seems like so much effort to remove myself from the safety of the duvet. 

So here I am just one hour into my water fast and already just wishing I didn’t have these obsessions with food. I feel utterly crazy at the moment   . Sometimes I think I need more help, to be in hospital and get well. That isn’t even an option because I’m not sick enough- it’s probably my disorder trying to get attention (hard to say….)

Is a mental illness forever?

I often feel like there are two parts to my life: my day to day activities, and then my disorders. Lots of people I see daily have no idea that I live every single day with voices in my head. 

The thoughts that surround simple decisions become so complicated, but other people have no idea that your mind doing overtime. I am always curious to know what it feels like to have no illnesses chattering away in my head. Is it possible to become free? Or does recovering just mean the thoughts lose their control over me? 

I feel that I will always have this ill voice in my mind, but I hope I won’t always actively be ill. I suppose I think a mental illness is a lifelong thing, but maybe I’m just being pessimistic given my current depression. 

What do you guys think?

Xx