So I guess this letter was an easy one to find something to post about! I have so many mixed thoughts this evening, so I’m going to use this post to write a letter to my ED and vent.
I say friend because you’re always there. You make me feel special and purposeful. I can’t be lonely with you to fill my head with ideas. Like a friend, you have had a big part in shaping who I am and my opinions and views about the world. I haven’t yet figured out what your purpose is, but I know you’ve given me a way to escape some difficult emotions over the years. Instead of dwelling on my inadequacy in comparison to my siblings, or my anger at the actions of others, you’ve provided me alternative focuses: food, my body, exercise….
On the other hand you are a vile piece of crap. You have made me feel so worthless and angry that I want to die. You have destroyed my confidence and my enjoyment of social eating. You make it hard to concentrate wholly on anything because you sit there and chatter at me all day long. I would love to perform abroad, travel, someday get married and buy a house, but your goals for me are very different. You like to keep me sick by telling me I’m not sick enough. You say that once I’m underweight enough it will be acceptable to engage in recovery fully. I would never dream of talking to my friends the way you talk to me.
You just want to fucking kill me. You want me dead. 0 pounds. 0 life. 0 feelings. That would be a winning outcome for you. But when I die, you die, so what the fuck is the point?!
I’m done with feeling this much pain all the time. I want to be allowed to laugh or smile without feeling bad about it.
I want to eat.