I had a breakdown today. Everything in my mind was just so loud and so fast that I just stopped. I couldn’t move because I couldn’t take any more. My eating disorder wants me to succeed at getting thin. There’s a certain size in mind, with specific things that would prove to me I had achieved it. It seems foolproof, yet instead I feel like an unstable mess. I don’t feel small at all; I feel grossly chubby even when other people say I am actually thin.
I want to let go of my ed goal and just get on with life, but I simultaneously don’t want to be a quitter. I don’t want to almost “win” at my disorder’s aims, because then I would have given in.
On the surface all these words sound really superficial and ludicrous, but I’m just deeply insecure and feel like my life will lose any vague sense of control if I quit listening to my disorder. Underneath, I just want to be noticed and feel deserving of good things.
I completely understand this- I struggle to believe I’m being strong by choosing recovery when I have another voice that tells me I’m just not strong enough to lose weight. It’s a lie- I know that now, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like a quitter either. I’m enjoying these letter posts!
You are so brave for ignoring that voice.. I know how hard that is. I’m glad you like these posts 🙂