I met a new therapist today and she was really nice. It went ok. Nothing about my day was unusually bad or difficult, but seeing my reflection in a bikini just pushed me over the edge.
I can’t say I was exactly feeling positive and relaxed beforehand, but even so, I wasn’t expecting to be so upset because of a dumb mirror. I just looked horribly “normal”, you know, flabby, round, gross.. I didn’t look at all like I should considering I have a fucking eating disorder. I’m so exhausted at not being thin enough. I have been thinner than I am now, so what the hell am I playing at?! I’ve had years now to get back there, and I know people in my life just say I’m skinny to avoid upsetting me more.
I’m on this mission with my eating disorder and I wish other people would help me, but apparently I’m destroying myself and they won’t help me do that. Well I’m either going to be a body size that doesn’t make me feel this way pretty damn soon, or I’m going to kill myself. I’m a joke of an ed sufferer. I don’t even think I have one anymore.
I’m so wound up that I’m going to see how long I can go without eating tomorrow. Fuck this.
anadancer 
I have been where you are right now. It is distressing, overwhelming, all consuming. I wish you freedom from the bondage of ED. I wish you health and healing and happiness. You deserve so much more than this torment. Sending peace and blessings your way.
Thank you so much. It’s so reassuring to hear that getting out of this is possible. I just keep telling myself “I can be free of this.” Your kind words have really made me smile 🙂 x
You can be free. You deserve to be free. I am praying for that for you xx
I send healing thoughts towards you and I hope that you continue to fight ED. Bad body image days are normal, but you don’t have to give in. I hope that you don’t. Please don’t kill yourself because of a number. ❤ Healthy is more important than skinny.
Thank you 🙂 I am hoping these days will gradually stop being a part of my life. I really appreciate your kindness 💜
It’s all about the little steps :). We’ll get there together. I’m still fighting my demons as well.
🙂 🙂
❤