Wednesday’s words: what emotion is this?

So I’d write about how I’m feeling, but the problem is I don’t really know… There have been points of my day that were really satisfying- I felt present in the moment and grateful to be where I am. 

Then on the flip side I feel like crap. I’m exceptionally paranoid I’m getting fatter even though I’ve been restricting, and the suicidal thoughts the other night have really knocked me emotionally. 

I imagine two versions of my future: one where I get “sick enough” and go to hospital, and the second where I make peace with my illness now & accept I will never be enough for the voice in my head. 

I want both. 

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