Basically I said about 6 weeks ago to someone that by this weekend coming I would have decided if I could recover or not. Well, if I actually had gotten thinner then maybe I could make that choice, but I feel like I’m fatter and thinner all at once. It’s just so fucking confusing- one minute I look thin and flat, the next time I see this broad, chubby out of control body as my reflection.
I get so frustrated at having so little idea about what I look like, and I think people just can’t understandthat unless they’ve felt it themselves. I hate how clothes shopping makes me feel. I love clothes and imagining outfits, but I can’t buy them or try them on. I’m hunting for a costume I need for a performance at the moment and it is a nightmare. I don’t want to look hideous in all the pictures.
It’s like in my head there’s this fragile, restrictive anorexic, but my body isn’t skinny. I bet nobody even thinks I have a disorder. I want the body I imagine in my head. I’m trying so hard and I just want to be able to know that I’m thin enough when the time comes.
Also, I feel like answering some questions as my Wednesday post if anyone has any! Xx