Hi everyone 🙂 just FYI, I’ve never had ECT, but I was really interested in hearing about it, as it is commonly talked about. Kati Morton explains it in the link here: ECT vid
What do you think about it? Feel free to comment! I find it a little scary that you can lose memories from it, yet the effectiveness of the treatment is pretty high. I suppose whether the risks are worth it is an individual thing.
It has been a few days since I posted about how recent events have motivated me to recover. I can’t say that I have been perfect, but I can say that I have taken some positive steps. Even though I’ve obviously done ed/ocd/depression behaviours sometimes, I have good intentions. I don’t give into them straight away.
Good night xx
I get mood swings… Big ones. I know that depression and ed’s do this to lots of people, so in my therapy session yesterday I was trying to be sarcastic and brush off the hard things that happened this week, and then it all came to a head. I find it hard to touch things that have been touched by others, and yesterday I completely froze when asked to pick the pen up off the table. My thoughts were so much that I couldn’t even hear them. I couldn’t move or talk.
All of a sudden I was just so angry that I couldn’t pick up a fucking pen! It’s ridiculous! I then became more angry at myself for not being thin enough and for failing for years now at achieving that. I felt like if I couldn’t do anything right then why the hell am I alive.
“What are you thinking right now?”
Me: I just want to die.
“What would you do?”
Me: I have loads of meds. I want to take them all and end it.
“Do you feel like you could reach out to someone later if this feeling continued?”
Me: I don’t think I want to. Not being here would end all the problems. I can’t continue having to do all these things when I don’t even have any control afterwards.
“You are suffering and I think you need to talk more. We can’t talk now but I’m going to ask a colleague and then I think you need to go to the hospital. What do you think about that?”
Me: I don’t think anything. I’m sorry.
I spent a long time in hospital yesterday and spoke to several people. The despair in that moment was too much to handle alone. Today I’m left with the shock of how my mood deteriorated so fast, and also how easily a suicidal thought became a solid idea in my mind.
One of my biggest difficulties with recovery is my belief that I’m not sick enough to merit change, but I think yesterday was a turning point. I’m going to spend my whole life going through these crisis points if I can’t get better. I must be ill.
Yesterday was difficult for me because I was in pain from an injury and finding it emotionally hard to see myself unable to do things like my peers were.
I didn’t want to bother my closest friend, as I talk to her constantly about my problems and I just feel like I’m going to be too much and she’ll leave. She said a few things that came across as unsympathetic and uncaring (although I know she does care about me a lot!). All I needed was a bit of kindness; to simply be asked how I was; to have a hug.
Thanks to the classmate who gave me what I needed. It’s funny how a little bit of kindness changes your day around
I seem to be able to dismiss the flaws in others, but when it comes to myself it’s unacceptable. Everyone I’m around seems to have themselves sorted. They have gorgeous make up, pretty hair, thin and toned limbs, good abs, smooth skin, a nice tan, perfect outfits, never any stubbly legs or spots… Why aren’t I one of them? I am constantly seeing a changing reflection of my body, and I’m just not as pretty, nor are my outfits as good as theirs.
Tonight I feel imperfect, but not like the odd crap day someone else might have- I feel across the board imperfect. I’d like to be confident that I’m different than others. I’d like to be happy because I like my clothes and I chose them because they are my style not the trends, or that I’m pale and it suits me.
Not only do I see flaws in my physicality, my personality is just weird. In am weird.
This is so brilliant. If you have ever been anxious or depressed, read this xx
So this week has been…. Well, what hasn’t it been?! I had a really great time performing a project on Thursday, a nice catch up with a friend over the phone, yet also became extremely suicidal this week. The way my mood changes is so intense (apparently ed’s can cause this) that I end up fed up and angry at having to deal with it all.
In therapy we talked about how close I was to ending it, how it can feel lonely, and how ultimately it isn’t my fault. After being told the exact opposite by the first professional I saw several years ago, this was so powerful. In that moment I felt so cared for, and like the guilt and shame was taken from me for a while.
Eating disorders and ocd aren’t you. They make you do things that you don’t want to do.
You don’t choose to suffer.
You aren’t alone.
There is hope. I’m here to help you find it.
It’s ok to feel sad, angry, whatever you feel is ok.
I needed that session so badly. Words really can change everything.
This week is the anniversary of the death of my Grandmother. This time always makes me feel sort of empty inside. I miss her. I wish so badly that she could be here and see what everyone is doing.
Grief is a funny thing, isn’t it? I feel sad, angry and also at peace with it all at once! I’m angry that a horrible thing would happen to a good person; sad because I miss her; at peace with it because I know I can’t change it.
I suppose if I could say one sentence to her it would be this: I hope you know how loved you are, and that I make you proud.
I’m not at all religious, but I like to go in a church and light a candle in memory of her. I generally do this every couple of months or so. Today I went to a church I passed by and just sat there. (They had no candle lighting area!) I was alone and the silence was kind of beautiful. I shed a few tears and shut my eyes to imagine I was with her. It’s such a small thing, however I’m grateful for those few moments of total quiet today.
Kati Morton has a great YouTube video on grief- check it out!