Hi everyone 🙂 just FYI, I’ve never had ECT, but I was really interested in hearing about it, as it is commonly talked about. Kati Morton explains it in the link here: ECT vid
What do you think about it? Feel free to comment! I find it a little scary that you can lose memories from it, yet the effectiveness of the treatment is pretty high. I suppose whether the risks are worth it is an individual thing.
It has been a few days since I posted about how recent events have motivated me to recover. I can’t say that I have been perfect, but I can say that I have taken some positive steps. Even though I’ve obviously done ed/ocd/depression behaviours sometimes, I have good intentions. I don’t give into them straight away.
Good night xx
I get mood swings… Big ones. I know that depression and ed’s do this to lots of people, so in my therapy session yesterday I was trying to be sarcastic and brush off the hard things that happened this week, and then it all came to a head. I find it hard to touch things that have been touched by others, and yesterday I completely froze when asked to pick the pen up off the table. My thoughts were so much that I couldn’t even hear them. I couldn’t move or talk.
All of a sudden I was just so angry that I couldn’t pick up a fucking pen! It’s ridiculous! I then became more angry at myself for not being thin enough and for failing for years now at achieving that. I felt like if I couldn’t do anything right then why the hell am I alive.
“What are you thinking right now?”
Me: I just want to die.
“What would you do?”
Me: I have loads of meds. I want to take them all and end it.
“Do you feel like you could reach out to someone later if this feeling continued?”
Me: I don’t think I want to. Not being here would end all the problems. I can’t continue having to do all these things when I don’t even have any control afterwards.
“You are suffering and I think you need to talk more. We can’t talk now but I’m going to ask a colleague and then I think you need to go to the hospital. What do you think about that?”
Me: I don’t think anything. I’m sorry.
I spent a long time in hospital yesterday and spoke to several people. The despair in that moment was too much to handle alone. Today I’m left with the shock of how my mood deteriorated so fast, and also how easily a suicidal thought became a solid idea in my mind.
One of my biggest difficulties with recovery is my belief that I’m not sick enough to merit change, but I think yesterday was a turning point. I’m going to spend my whole life going through these crisis points if I can’t get better. I must be ill.
Yesterday was difficult for me because I was in pain from an injury and finding it emotionally hard to see myself unable to do things like my peers were.
I didn’t want to bother my closest friend, as I talk to her constantly about my problems and I just feel like I’m going to be too much and she’ll leave. She said a few things that came across as unsympathetic and uncaring (although I know she does care about me a lot!). All I needed was a bit of kindness; to simply be asked how I was; to have a hug.
Thanks to the classmate who gave me what I needed. It’s funny how a little bit of kindness changes your day around
I seem to be able to dismiss the flaws in others, but when it comes to myself it’s unacceptable. Everyone I’m around seems to have themselves sorted. They have gorgeous make up, pretty hair, thin and toned limbs, good abs, smooth skin, a nice tan, perfect outfits, never any stubbly legs or spots… Why aren’t I one of them? I am constantly seeing a changing reflection of my body, and I’m just not as pretty, nor are my outfits as good as theirs.
Tonight I feel imperfect, but not like the odd crap day someone else might have- I feel across the board imperfect. I’d like to be confident that I’m different than others. I’d like to be happy because I like my clothes and I chose them because they are my style not the trends, or that I’m pale and it suits me.
Not only do I see flaws in my physicality, my personality is just weird. In am weird.