Being a performer, being me, and looking forward.

I’ve spent the day with a best friend of mine. We met through dancing classes about 15 years ago and our friendship has grown alongside our love of dance. 

We took class together at a London studio this afternoon and then watched an incredible peformance of Matthew Bourne’s The Car Man. (Seriously, it blew me away… GO WATCH IT!) okay, now I’m sidetracked… Where was I?

Right. Dancing. Lots and lots of dancing. So today was awesome. And watching shows always fills me with new inspiration and acts as a reminder of how much I utterly adore what I do. Being a performer is precious, and maybe that’s why lots of people are kinda clueless about it! 

As I’m typing this I feel full of positivity and my mind is thinking over plans of how I can work on myself over summer. I want this to be the summer for which I have no regrets. A summer where I enjoy myself and keep pushing to improve. I want to be stronger, fitter and better when this holiday is over. 

Does stronger mean sicker? No. Does fitter mean more tired from calorie restriction? No. Does better mean better at having OCD or an Eating disorder? No. 

Basically what I’m saying is that being me doesn’t have to mean being ill. I can be a person without all of that. I’m not entirely sure who that person is yet, but I know a few things about her:

The normal part of me likes clothing with animals on, likes playing with my hair, loves animals. The normal me likes chocolate. The normal me loves to read. 

That’s all for now. I am too lazy to proof read this, so enjoy the typos I inevitably made! 😂 xx

I didn’t see the signs

I remember vividly the time I began my “diet” that would quickly become my eating disorder. I often wonder how I didn’t see the blatant signs that this was just a diet. For a kickoff, I was quite small already so nobody else would have supported my dieting had I told them. 

Yesterday my therapy session made me realise that occasionally using sanitising hand gel or constantly needing to ask the same thing over and over has become OCD. I can’t deny it now. These behaviours aren’t a one off now, and just like the first time I refused a piece of cake in the early ed days, I don’t understand why I didn’t see this coming. 

Can I really trust my mind?

I want to fast tomorrow. I don’t whether it’s because I feel a bit emotional and afraid I’ve gotten bigger, or if it’s actually a good idea. 

Food can be such a battleground that the thought of a day without it sounds like a dream. 

Show time, control & friends

This week is all about the college summer performance (I’m awaiting my next number as I type). I wanted to write because I feel like a lot of conflicting things have been happening. 

First of all food has been difficult. I have been impulsive around food and had a massive urge to be sick or do excess exercise all day today. At the same time though I was really happy I bought a milkshake with my friends yesterday with no planning. I am in this weird phase where I do want freedom around eating, but I feel so chubby and gross at times that I don’t want to eat. Sometimes my reflection is a skinny person; sometimes it isn’t. There’s no explanation. 

I want to be in control of everything. I don’t want to screw up choreography or eat the wrong amount or be too big. My body should be in my control. 

Do you know who doesn’t care about my body? My friends. They like me because of my personality and nothing physical can change that. Everyone deserves the kind of friendships I have. 

Xxx

Start as you mean to go on.

A couple of years ago I was reading online about starting a diet (don’t worry, this is just the context!) and it was aimed at overweight people. It said how so many people fall into the trap of “diet starts tomorrow.” Today, as my summer holidays are coming up, this resonates with me. 

I want this summer to be both productive and enjoyable. I’ve compiled a list of things I want to do and although it isn’t officially the holidays yet, why not start today? If I can’t do it right now (just like going on a diet) I won’t do it tomorrow either.

There’s no better time than the present, so what are you going to do today?

Xxx

Overwhelm.

I feel like so many positive things can happen in a day, but any negativity will still feel very intense and overwhelming. I am constantly battling  a very strong feeling over something and that’s quite tiring. Ruminating is huge issue for me, as almost everything gets replayed over and over in my mind. How do you stop doing that when you’ve done it your whole life? Overthinking is definitely a part of my personality that I want to learn to handle better.

I’ve been doing short mindfulness meditations as therapy homework, and although I sometimes just feel confused by my emotions, or unable to identify them it is helping. Taking a tiny bit of time to just be is sorta… Refreshing. 

Happy weekend everybody 

Xxx

Wednesday words: feeling wobbly.

I’m suddenly triggered by somebody else being put in a mental health unit for their ED. I’m too fat for that. I’m so angry at myself. My parents come in a week and they will see that I’m not small at all. 😦