Body panic.

My boyfriend just told me I have nice legs. Fuck. I bet they aren’t thin enough. My dad must have been exaggerating when he said I was skinny the other day.

So much anxiety rn. 

I did it!

although it was only 15 minutes on a couple of days, I did it! I did some yoga every day this week. It’s made me reconsider how a view a “to do.” I’ve always thought a to do list had to be just mundane things, and going for a run, or doing anything I actually enjoy is usually better when it’s spontaneous, instead a “Job” I gotta get done. 

I’ve got a new journal and I’m excited to start writing things in it & filling in the weekly planner (I’m weird, get over it)

I’m also planning to keep up the yoga stretches and breathing. I liked it. 

Yoga type update

It has been a few days since I decided to put some of the yoga class I went to into my daily life. 

It’s actually going well.

I have had some early mornings, and therefore done my 20-30 minute practice in the evening, but both times of day feel good for me. I like how I feel when I’m stretching with my eyes closed, alone, with quiet, meditative music in the background. Each day so far, I’ve been glad that I made the effort. 

In my dance training during term time, it can be hard to stretch effectively after a long day, but the short routine I’ve been doing could definitely work in that scenario too. 

In terms of mentality I have noticed something quite significant. I’ve noticed that I set a goal (to try doing some yoga each day this week) and I’m achieving it. My usual harsh mindset could have set me up to fail. My negative voice would have required me to do at least an hour, only in the morning, adding 5 minutes a day etc etc, and any small diversion from the plan would have meant I had ruined it. 

  

 

So basically all this rambling would have been explained just as well by the quote alone 😂 I saw it today, and thought it was all too well timed for me to not write about!

Xxx 

Colouring for Calm

I reckon this blog post is long overdue as my current love for colouring is just getting bigger and bigger… Colouring is what all the cool kids do, and for those who don’t exactly feel cool when buying a colouring book then don’t worry as all savvy-publishers have craftily named their books ‘art therapy’, ‘calming […]

https://dearestsomeone.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/colouring-for-calm/

Yoga, new plans and letting the shit go

I went to a yoga class today. It’s one I’ve been to sporadically, as it is near my parents home so I usually go when I’m here. I always enjoy it, even though some of it doesn’t demand much of me physically (only because it’s an adults beginners class and I’m a dancer 😂), but with most of the movements I can push myself and enjoy the challenge of having to sustain each thing for x amount of breaths. 

Today seemed particularly good. I felt like I worked on my balance, strength and focus. I felt involved in each movement rather than thinking about 70 other things instead of what I was doing! The breathing also helps me to be calm and feel refreshed. 

So my new plan is to do some of the class at home. I’m going to try doing it in the morning for the rest of this week and see how I feel. I think it could be a way to set my day up more positively. 

A couple of dumb, little things happened today, but I’m going to just forget about them. Who cares if someone bashed the wall to tell me to shut up when I was doing NOTHING? Or if something small that somebody said triggered my ed? All the shits will not be given to this pointless stuff. I did something that was good for me today, so I don’t need to allow external things to bring me down 

Xxx

Relationships and mental health.

I’m 21. I have had 1 boyfriend in my whole life, and tonight we decided to tentatively get back together. 

I suppose always felt so different from other people when it comes to dating. I’ve just never felt a need to be with somebody. Maybe it’s because I’m quite introverted; I dislike large social occasions where one might meet somebody. Or maybe it’s because mental illness leaves little room for anyone or anything more. 

I have this vibe when I with him that makes me want him to kiss me, or hug me, or hold my hand. It’s like I’ve been hoping he would ask me about perhaps getting back together, but now he has, I feel a weird combination of happy and shit scared. 

My OCD has a massive amount of rumination involved. The fleeting “bad” thoughts that normal people have (such as a bad thing happening, or feeling dirty) are hard for me to get past. Today I had this with the thought what if I’m gay? I cried. I was scared. Thoughts often scare me, but this was so much more confusing. If I was normal then I would have brushed it off and realised that I want a guy to kiss me, so it’s probably just a normal thought!

My brain is out to get me so much that I just never know what is a thought I need to listen to and what isn’t. What do you think?

Sh*t People Say to People with Mental Illness (Reblog)

Originally posted on wehaveapples:“We all get the blues!”? You: Um, so… I can’t function on a daily basis. I’m on the floor right now, unable to move. I’ve been sobbing for so long that I can’t breathe. This is my everyday. This is NOT “the blues.”? “Just be strong and put on a smile.”?…

https://dearestsomeone.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/sht-people-say-to-people-with-mental-illness/

“Eating disorder sufferers eat clean”

This is the kind of myth that can drive you crazy (jokes, I’m already crazy 😂) I just wanted to tell a part of my story that proves this clean eating myth wrong. 

There was a particular point in time that I remember eating at pizza express once, sometimes twice a week. I always had the same thing: chicken pizza, and Nutella and dough balls for pudding. I was anorexic, but would eat all of the above. The thing is, to this day if I plan to have something “bad” then it will be counted calorifically and I will/did restrict before and after.

The stereotype increases my guilt over this part of my eating disorder. It shouldn’t, but it does. It’s like my restriction isn’t perfect enough. Fuck you society.  

Rant over. Xx

Journals

I stumbled across an old journal I used to write my food intake in. These were from times when I was restricting a lot. I would still eat out but plan in those calories… Well, I thought I had. 

I was reading back through and noticed one restaurant item I had every time I went out that is supposed to be a two serving size and I mistakenly thought it was for one. Basically, I was eating 500-700 extra calories each time but it didn’t show on the scales. 

I’ve always believed that spiking your metabolism by “cheating” a diet was just so people could eat anything the wanted and have an excuse, but today has well and truly proved me wrong. 

Summer update

So it’s been a while since I wrote on here. I’ve had things in my head that I wanted to blog about, but for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I think it’s hard for me to openly admit that life isn’t perfect. I wanted my update to be this inspirational post full of successes, but that is unrealistic. 
Instead, life has been changeable. Not perfect, but a journey. For the most part I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary, but that’s ok. Just spending time walking around a  garden centre with my auntie and my mum is enough. I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together so far this holiday. 

Mental health wise things have been up and down, but that’s how it goes. It’s never going to be straightforward, but for the first time I think I’m ok with that.

I always set goals for myself when summer comes and I think I’m doing alright. Again, I haven’t done all the things I said I would exactly the amount of times I planned to, but I have done them. I wanted to enjoy being with the people I love, which I am. I wanted to keep up my fitness, which I am. I wanted to care for my injured foot, which I am. 

I haven’t done everything perfectly, but I’m learning that that doesn’t mean I failed. I am working on things. Nothing happens overnight… And that’s absolutely ok.