I’m 21. I have had 1 boyfriend in my whole life, and tonight we decided to tentatively get back together.
I suppose always felt so different from other people when it comes to dating. I’ve just never felt a need to be with somebody. Maybe it’s because I’m quite introverted; I dislike large social occasions where one might meet somebody. Or maybe it’s because mental illness leaves little room for anyone or anything more.
I have this vibe when I with him that makes me want him to kiss me, or hug me, or hold my hand. It’s like I’ve been hoping he would ask me about perhaps getting back together, but now he has, I feel a weird combination of happy and shit scared.
My OCD has a massive amount of rumination involved. The fleeting “bad” thoughts that normal people have (such as a bad thing happening, or feeling dirty) are hard for me to get past. Today I had this with the thought what if I’m gay? I cried. I was scared. Thoughts often scare me, but this was so much more confusing. If I was normal then I would have brushed it off and realised that I want a guy to kiss me, so it’s probably just a normal thought!
My brain is out to get me so much that I just never know what is a thought I need to listen to and what isn’t. What do you think?