LoveMe challenge: 5

A note to past you 

Dear me,

I’m sorry that I was so harsh on you. I never saw all the things you were doing that were great. I rarely gave you praise. I’m sorry I made you do so many things over and over again because they weren’t good enough, because let me tell you, they were. 

Looking back at when I, age 21 me, was you, I see a good person. You worked hard, did well at school, and made friends who are still friends with you 10 years later. 

You achieved so many things you wanted to, but I never let you settle for anything. I made you believe that was laziness. 

You are probably worrying right now. I still do that here in the future, too! But you don’t need to. There are exciting things to come for you, and if you let yourself relax a little the ride there will be easier. 

Lots of love, 

Older me xxx

LoveMe challenge: 4

Someone who loves you 

I’m just gonna list!

-My parents: because they have always wanted me to have a good and happy life 

-My brothers: because they cared for me as a baby, taught me to do things, and played games with me

-My closest friends: because I’m there for them. I enjoy their company and I think my friends love me because we make each other laugh, and they also know I care

-My pets 💜

-One of my cousins: because different countries doesn’t bother us. We are still caring and communicative with each other 

-A particular auntie: because I trust her so much. She loves me because I always make time to be with her 

LoveMe challenge: 3

Words that describe me:

Anorexic (or not, based on the size of me in the day 2 pic 😐), actress, busy, clever (kinda), creative, caring, dancer, determined, eating disordered, fearful, girly, individual, little sister, mad, nervous, neat writer , OCD, organised, quiet in large groups, random, singer, student, tidy, young

LoveMe challenge: 2

Post a picture of yourself

 This was a bit tricky, as my blog is anonymous in that none of my family etc could identify it as me. I downloaded a photo editing app so I could get rid of my face! 
This picture was taken during a performance I did in June. 

  
It was kinda uncomfortable doing this. It’s brought up worries over how people will judge me, and that I probably am bigger now than just a couple of months ago when this was taken…. I don’t know though. I wouldn’t even say I was anorexic if I saw this. I wouldn’t say I had an ed if I was a stranger seeing this. Day 2, you are haaaaarrrdddd. 

LoveMe Challenge: 1.

Why are you doing the LoveMe Challenge?

I like reading the LoveMe posts and seeing how other people are thinking about themselves differently. I also think that making a commitment to a certain pattern of blogging is good for me; it gives me a reason to write even when I feel unmotivated. I’m excited to join in! Let’s see what I learn…. 💜

The Why’s

I had therapy a couple of days ago and we talked a lot about intrusive thoughts I have and the compulsions I use to relieve the anxiety. It’s taken me a lot therapy sessions to even work out that one of my main fears is around contamination. 

I always had the impulse to clean my hands after touching things, but I hasn’t consciously understood why. I knew it felt better if I was clean, and so the two became linked.  It seems obvious now, but it actually kinda surprised me that the worry underneath it all was that!

My therapist got me to touch some stuff in the room. Easy right? Nah… Not so much. I suppose I was in denial. Just like with my Eating Disorder I figured I could just stop if I wanted to. Well that’s a funny joke… Hahahahaha.. Yep, that’s me laughing at myself again. 

Apparently the big red flags just weren’t enough to stop me. 

Great job, brain. Great job.  

Evening analysis and also some rants about college.

So a few hours ago when my housemate had a guest over I felt unwanted. I felt like I was in the way and so I removed myself and was lonely. I didn’t know if it would be ok to join them, but I wanted to, and so I asked. 

Perhaps it wasn’t ok that I interrupted, but we had fun so I don’t think it mattered (?!) we did nothing special. Just chatted and listened to stuff, but it was so nice. It just showed me that sometimes you have to try and change things. Nobody else could have changed that today, and usually I’d just want to keep away and avoid any potential negativity. I’m glad I didn’t. 

On a totally different note I feel kinda worried. I think other people did better than me for quite a few things (based on a Facebook group we have and comments etc) and I just feel like I’ve worked so hard and nobody sees it. It’s only a few days until term starts which is why this has come up. 

I probably have no talent at all and I’m not going to leave with the distinction I’m desperate to achieve. I bet I’m the weak link of my group and I just hate that feeling of not being good enough. What if my self doubt is just me acknowledging the reality?

Reassurance.

I am someone who needs reassurance a lot. Usually not for the “big things” , more for the small ones. Like if I really did shut the door, or if it’s certain I won’t get sick from eating something.

And then there’s the one that goes around my head endlessly: whether I look bigger or smaller. The problem is asking people. Most people don’t ask these silly questions, or even care that much about the response to any of them. Right now I’m lost. I want to ask, but I’m scared about the answer and don’t want to be an annoyance. So basically I’m stuck. 

What I think I want to know.

The ill part of my mind has a few questions, which I doubt I will actually find the answer to. 

I want to look ill. If asked, I’d want somebody to say “yes, she a bit thin, or quite pale” etc. My disorder is craving validation. 

My normal mind also wants to know what I look like. Perhaps if somebody did say they thought I didn’t look well and would be better off gaining some weight, then I’d be able to start listening to the bit inside me that wants to be ok. 

Would you say I’d be healthier if I gained weight?

Am I even thin at all?

Do I just look like the average person? 

Are my efforts to lose weight working? 

Whenever I mention any of the above I never get told an answer. It seems that people just use the unhealthy obsession as a chance to remind me it’s a mental illness. I already knew that! My concerns aren’t over my mentality. I know my mentality inside out, all the good and bad parts. I just wish I could know what people see. The most painful thing is that they probably see nothing. No thin frame, no struggle, no effort 

Pointless worry

Im lying in bed with an alarm set for the morning. I have to call my therapist after getting a message on Friday. There’s no logical reason to be worried, but I am! What if she doesn’t answer? What if I freeze up? What if she isn’t free at all on the day we planned for session to be? 

I am currently at my parents house for summer, so I’ve been unable to have therapy for a few weeks, which is probably why I’m anxious to have a session booked for the next few days. I need to know I’m seeing her.