What I think I want to know. 

The ill part of my mind has a few questions, which I doubt I will actually find the answer to. 

I want to look ill. If asked, I’d want somebody to say “yes, she a bit thin, or quite pale” etc. My disorder is craving validation. 

My normal mind also wants to know what I look like. Perhaps if somebody did say they thought I didn’t look well and would be better off gaining some weight, then I’d be able to start listening to the bit inside me that wants to be ok. 

Would you say I’d be healthier if I gained weight?

Am I even thin at all?

Do I just look like the average person? 

Are my efforts to lose weight working? 

Whenever I mention any of the above I never get told an answer. It seems that people just use the unhealthy obsession as a chance to remind me it’s a mental illness. I already knew that! My concerns aren’t over my mentality. I know my mentality inside out, all the good and bad parts. I just wish I could know what people see. The most painful thing is that they probably see nothing. No thin frame, no struggle, no effort 

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