About to lose my shit

• two people ignore my messages 
• I feel really fat
• Therapist called to change my appointment and now it’s too late to call back 

Yep. I’ve lost my shit

Ignored and OCD thoughts.

One of my friends has ignored my messages for over 24 hours. My thoughts are going wild. I feel guilty but also just pissed at her. Just fucking reply ok? I love you. I would never knowingly hurt you, but this is certainly hurting me. 

Argh

Hopefully my OCD is just creating this into a mountain ……..

Mind games.

My mind has been playing some serious games with me today. I felt really great first thing, then very angry, then tearful, then pissed off, then happy again. I know that moods do vary throughout the day, but the intensity of mine today has been pretty had to tolerate. 
My reflection has shown me at least 10 different versions of myself today, which hasn’t helped. I think the looming start of term is bringing me the annual “I should be thin by now but I’m not” anxiety and guilt. I just hate myself for not being “good enough” at my disorder to even be vaguely skinny. Maybe if classmates thought I’d lost weight then I could finally give this up for good. I can’t believe my reflection, so I need somebody else to tell me the truth  

The mental filter & things people don’t understand

Whether you’re suffering from Binge Eating Disorder, Anorexia, or anything that falls in between, you will know how confusing it is to have so many feelings about your body. 

Eating Disorders come with a mental filter that twists everything on the outside world. The goal is to look “ill enough” to satisfy that voice, but that is literally impossible. The voice wants to kill you. That’s the only thing that would be enough for you to be allowed to stop. 

The problem with ED’s is the secrecy. You become a master at hiding behaviours and emotions from others and in a sense hiding from facing them yourself. Emma Woolf (author of an apple a day) describes her experience as functional anorexia. Before recovering she was in a good relationship, holding down a good job, maintaining friendships, all while being internally out of control.  Her life definitely holds true for my own in many ways.

Now let’s go onto body image. You know what people with ED’s think about their bodies? Awful, horrible, hurtful things. Occasionally you notice your weight loss, or perhaps look not as large as you thought, but those moments never last. They are quickly filtered out by the mind as being a lie. If the goal is to be ill enough, then you begin to like negative parts of your disorder. I like seeing my skin look a yellowish colour, or my nails breaking easily, not having periods normally. These are signs that I am succeeding; these are signs (unlike body comments from others) that I can trust. 

I hate the words fit or hot or anything that implies I am not ill. People who don’t have these struggles fail to realise that many models and “fit” celebrities are not a healthy weight. If you think that’s attractive then you don’t know what an average, healthy sized person looks like. If you think I’m skinny and my eating disorder is doing its job, then tell me that. But please, don’t screw with my mind by telling me I look good. To me that equates to failure.