Apologies, overwhelm & everything in between. 

You know when it feels like all the shit happened at once? Well, welcome to me today. I had therapy- was (mainly) good. I love my therapist. Sometimes I’m just sat thinking man you are good at your job! But there was a moment today that tipped me over the imaginary edge. 

You IMAGINE you are huge but you aren’t. It’s true what you were saying about how differently you and your peers view bodies in comparison with people outside of your industry. But you have a healthy weight. You don’t need to worry about being too big. 

Hang on a fucking minute. Healthy? Great. So these years and years of restriction and exercise and laxatives and lord knows what else have got me “healthy” someone please come over here and shoot me right now. I cannot describe the overwhelming anger and sadness those words brought me. She doesn’t weigh me (physical health isn’t her area), but regardless of this I was utterly destroyed that I look “healthy”. Other people say I’m thin or skinny or look tired or blah blah so this was like a knife in me. I assumed everyone must deep down think I’m a “normal” size, and deep down I’ve always feared I’m just a fake. I cried. I panicked. I counted my calories again to confirm I hadn’t been accidentally eating loads (obviously wasn’t the case!) and then I just went numb. I spoke to a couple of people about it and they said they don’t think I’m healthy. How I always look a bit under the weather and how I AM thin, but how can I believe that? They told me that the therapist was probably trying to highlight that I’m not overweight and don’t need to be worried. Fuck knows. 

I’m not even angry at her; I’m angry at myself for either failing at anorexia and for not knowing how I look to be able to settle this myself. I think she is fab. The ocd stuff we are doing is hard, but she is so caring and determined to push me. Once again, it’s my mind vs me. 

Apologies for getting behind on the love me challenge. I will resume asap. Hope everybody had a better day than me! Xxx

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5 thoughts on “Apologies, overwhelm & everything in between. 

  1. hey Anadancer xx yes I’m like that too, sometimes I feel like I know in exact detail what size I am, and other times I realised I have no idea, just a soft, blurry, malleable concept. Having an unstable body image and having that body image be so loaded with value is one of the worst of the many awful, tiring, frustrating and confusing things about having an eating disorder 😦 and its also something that has kept me from accessing and sticking with treatment and support in the past.
    I’ve totally been in that place you describe of hearing someone say ‘healthy’ or ‘doing well’ and its triggered all these invalidating feelings and thoughts from the eating disorder side of my brain. xx I hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself because its so exhausting xx do you think you could talk to that therapist about how her words set off all these thoughts and feelings in you? it might be worth exploring – if you feel up to it and if the ed voice doesn’t block you away from it. And super well done on all the ocd work too xxEm

    • Thanks for such a kind message 🙂 I would have spoken about it when it happened, but there wasn’t any time left and I couldn’t overstay because I had plans. I think I will try to bring it up actually, because looking healthy can also mean looking thin, and that’s a very confusing concept. It’s like I don’t understand what people are telling me!
      Thanks so much 🙂 have a lovely weekend xx

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