What OCD is for me. 

I wake up and start thinking about the best order in which to do my morning tasks, eventually concluding that changing the order is too risky. I go through my morning routine, checking particular items are in my bag several times. 

I leave, pull the front door four times, then walk to college wondering if I really do have everything and what if the door isn’t shut? Those thoughts continue until I need to start getting ready for my first class. 

As always, I’m preparing before everyone else, as the chaos and rushing makes me worry I will do something embarrassing like go up with only half my clothes on or something. Once I’m ready I go to the studio and warm up. 

The day, filled with classes, holds many opportunities for contact with a germs. My hands feel “right” or “wrong” and I feel the compulsion to clean my hands to fix the latter. *because of therapy I can often avoid doing so now*

Other random thoughts will provoke anxiety. Simple things like not receiving a reply to a message can cause me a lot of worry, which I will try to fix by a. Reassurance seeking or b. Doing something to make myself feel ok (like mentally thinking through if what I did was ok, cleaning my hands, organising something etc)

Everything has the potential to cause me worry. I like to ensure I’ve always done things right, and it can be hard to trust my own mind, so I ask others or mentally recall my day. I just don’t feel comfortable when I can’t fix a situation, or if I can’t be “good”. 

Daily I doubt that I even have OCD. 

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