What’s wrong?

There was a time when I was textbook anorexic. Weighing food, weighing myself, rigid rules, being tired, weight loss, total denial etc. I constantly worry that my anorexia is gone. I was diagnosed with bulimia at one point in the last few years too, but I don’t miss that. 

I feel like I’m restrictive again now & that’s been going on a fair while. But I’m not anorexic anymore. I’m just a failure of a trier. 

LoveMe challenge: 14-15

14. Share a fear you overcame 

A fear I have recently overcome is to do with my OCD. A few months ago, I would have but antibacterial gel on my hands after touching the floor or wall in dance classes by keeping it by my water. I might still clean them, and it might still be something that I obsess over, but now I clean them after class. My hand gel (usually!) stays downstairs in my bag 😊

15. Something you have done right 

I took this one very literally… I had to learn script a couple of weeks ago and I got all the words right! (I’d think of something better, but admitting I did well is a bit hard)

Xx

So many things to say

I’ve been wanting to write all kinds of things here during this week, but it’s only now that I’ve got motivated to actually do it. 

The main thoughts circling my mind this week have revolved around not being sick enough. Taking a friend to a&e because of ed complications made me worried about her, obviously, but I was also jealous. I felt that even though are disorders are different, it was unfair that her issue was now so plain obvious to me. I wanted it to be me. After all, I’ve spent years feeling not sick enough, and that gave me proof that my thoughts are right. If I was binge eating all the time then my weight and potential medical problems would be obvious, if I purged all the time, it would be obvious, but instead I mostly restrict and have nothing to prove myself. I look normal. I am a healthy weight. I’m not skinny. I’m not struggling. I’m just angry. And what’s so confusing is that people will tell me in the same sentence that I am both skinny and a healthy weight. Wtf is that about? Either you’re very small, average or overweight. People who tell me I’ve lost weight recently are probably liars anyway. 
I just don’t get it. 

I know you can have an eating disorder and not be thin. But those disorders have different behaviours. I’m talking about being restrictive but not being thin. It pains me to think about. 

LoveMe challenge: 11-13

Share a smile, a flaw & a quote. 

One of the things that always makes me smile are my brothers. They are fab. I love any of the limited time we get to spend together πŸ’œ

Sharing a flaw is quite a challenge! Firstly because I can think of so many flaws, but also because it feels vulnerable to share something like that. One thing I know I’m guilty of is lacking patience. Sometimes that makes me more decisive and focused, but I know it can make me jump to conclusions because I won’t wait to find out anything more about the situation or person. 

I love quotes! It was so hard to pick just one….

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 

β€” Marilyn Monroe