I’ve been wanting to write all kinds of things here during this week, but it’s only now that I’ve got motivated to actually do it.
The main thoughts circling my mind this week have revolved around not being sick enough. Taking a friend to a&e because of ed complications made me worried about her, obviously, but I was also jealous. I felt that even though are disorders are different, it was unfair that her issue was now so plain obvious to me. I wanted it to be me. After all, I’ve spent years feeling not sick enough, and that gave me proof that my thoughts are right. If I was binge eating all the time then my weight and potential medical problems would be obvious, if I purged all the time, it would be obvious, but instead I mostly restrict and have nothing to prove myself. I look normal. I am a healthy weight. I’m not skinny. I’m not struggling. I’m just angry. And what’s so confusing is that people will tell me in the same sentence that I am both skinny and a healthy weight. Wtf is that about? Either you’re very small, average or overweight. People who tell me I’ve lost weight recently are probably liars anyway.
I just don’t get it.
I know you can have an eating disorder and not be thin. But those disorders have different behaviours. I’m talking about being restrictive but not being thin. It pains me to think about.