In a way, this year seems to have flown by, but at the same time it feels like a lot of things have happened. Aside from mental health ups and downs (which I will talk about in a minute,) I turned 21, visited family in Spain, changed jobs, became a FINAL YEAR student (ahh), had my first ever headshots done, spent quite a while on crutches, became a podcast convert, and finally broke ties with someone in my life.
While all of those things happened, I’ve also had a pretty up and down time. The year began with me finishing an ed group programme I was attending. I’m really glad I went. I’ve since met up with some of my new found friends and have found them to be a good support to me. Something I learned is that nobody gets better without screwing up. So my idea of change being perfect isn’t realistic. I suppose it’s made me a tiny bit less harsh on myself when I’ve done things that are old habits for the most part. My eating has been pretty all over the place. I’m in a fairly restrictive pattern right now, but I did fall into the “don’t eat all day then get home and all my calories in one sitting and feel sick” routine briefly.
In the middle of the year, some of my other symptoms were diagnosed as OCD and I’ve been having therapy for that. That therapist is fucking amazing. I do feel less affected by those behaviours than I did before that started. My last session is coming up and I am so nervous. Basically the NHS system means she can’t have any more sessions with me, so the only route to more help is if she feels my weight is deteriorating and I can be referred back to the ed service. I wish that was the case so I could finally get rid of this, but I doubt it. I feel massive & I don’t want to be here this time next year if nothing is different. I can’t stand the feeling of inadequacy. Now I can’t weigh myself, my only gauge is from other people, so I’m relying on people noticing and commenting on if I look different in any way. That in itself can get exhausting.
What else? So many things. Too many to write about… So I’m gonna end it here.
Happy 2016 to everyone who has actually read this far! 😂 lots of love xxx