The end of 2015

In a way, this year seems to have flown by, but at the same time it feels like a lot of things have happened. Aside from mental health ups and downs (which I will talk about in a minute,) I turned 21, visited family in Spain, changed jobs, became a FINAL YEAR student (ahh), had my first ever headshots done, spent quite a while on crutches, became a podcast convert, and finally broke ties with someone in my life. 

While all of those things happened, I’ve also had a pretty up and down time. The year began with me finishing an ed group programme I was attending. I’m really glad I went. I’ve since met up with some of my new found friends and have found them to be a good support to me. Something I learned is that nobody gets better without screwing up. So my idea of change being perfect isn’t realistic. I suppose it’s made me a tiny bit less harsh on myself when I’ve done things that are old habits for the most part. My eating has been pretty all over the place. I’m in a fairly restrictive pattern right now, but I did fall into the “don’t eat all day then get home and all my calories in one sitting and feel sick” routine briefly. 

In the middle of the year, some of my other symptoms were diagnosed as OCD and I’ve been having therapy for that. That therapist is fucking amazing. I do feel less affected by those behaviours than I did before that started. My last session is coming up and I am so nervous. Basically the NHS system means she can’t have any more sessions with me, so the only route to more help is if she feels my weight is deteriorating and I can be referred back to the ed service. I wish that was the case so I could finally get rid of this, but I doubt it. I feel massive & I don’t want to be here this time next year if nothing is different. I can’t stand the feeling of inadequacy. Now I can’t weigh myself, my only gauge is from other people, so I’m relying on people noticing and commenting on if I look different in any way. That in itself can get exhausting. 

What else? So many things. Too many to write about… So I’m gonna end it here.  

Happy 2016 to everyone who has actually read this far! 😂 lots of love xxx

I know why I’m worried. 

As someone with an ED, my body is a big focus, but I’ve realised why the obsession has got worse. In 2 weeks I have my last therapy appointment. Unless I’ve lost weight and she is concerned I will be discharged. I’ve had my allowed nhs sessions and so the only way for more help is if I need seeing by the ed service again. It feels like the pressures on to lose weight. I know I can’t be on my own. I know she would keep seeing me if she could because she knows that too. The nhs is great, but there aren’t enough provisions because there isn’t enough money. It sucks. I’m lay in bed planning how to restrict tomorrow. That’s what can get me help and I know I need it. 

Plan for tomorrow 

Just so it’s in black and white, this is what I will do when I get up:

-do Physio exercises

-write that birthday card for z

-do some sit ups

-wrapping for bday present 

Through the day:

-start my essay (whhhyyyyy?! 😂)

-read a little bit 

-exercise class @ 8.25

-meet friends

-visit godparents

-choreo

Lists are the answer 👌🏻

Self sabotage

I’m feeling a bit annoyed at myself for not doing a couple of things that I set out to do daily. They aren’t complicated things, or time consuming. So why haven’t I done them?

It’s happened before when I’ve set goals for my holidays and I’m sick of the cycle. This is me self sabotaging. I know I will feel good if I do it. I know that I’m not being unreasonable with myself. I also know that feeling disappointed in myself is a far more familiar feeling. 

I’m not sure I’m comfortable with simply letting myself do something in productive, but not over exerting kind of way. I feel unable to be happy with the things I have done because those that I haven’t. 

Well, tomorrow I’m going to do them first thing and bite the bullet. It’s silly really, but that’s how it rolls. 

A few bits and bobs:

If I’ve sent you the link to this, it’s because I want you to know how much I appreciate you. Some of you know about this blog, and some of you don’t- so welcome, welcome. This is my space where I can share my thoughts with anonymity and also a place where I have found online friends who share their words of advice. (Shoutout to all you guys too!) 

I’m sending you this because I suck at saying things aloud, but it feels important to me that you know how I feel. I feel lucky. I’m not an extroverted, super social person- and those of who who’ve known me a long time know that’s true! I’d always rather have a smaller circle of really special friends, than a large one of people who I couldn’t trust with the important things. 

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for giving me a hug when I needed one. Thank you for your patience when my obsessions become the focus of conversations which we have had over and over again. Thank you for loving me when I feel so unloveable. 

The problem is my mind has been narrowed through years and years of mental difficulty which makes it hard to even see alternatives, let alone allow a different idea to enter in. I know that change isn’t impossible, but change is still very scary. 

I’m scared you guys. I’m scared that if I let go, I will become overweight and out of control. That thought terrifies me, as does the ever constant thought that I’m not thin enough to have a problem anyway. Truth is, somewhere deep inside me I know that I will always doubt the validity of my illness to allow it to continue. Doubt encourages fear; fear prohibits change. 

That deep down part of me knows that my life will be cut short if I don’t do something. The intelligent part of me knows that being anorexic is not something anybody should be gripping onto. Being cold a lot sucks. Headaches suck. Feeling the need to sleep in the day sucks.  OCD sucks. And do you know what? Being able to feel bones sticking out shouldn’t be a measure of success. 

Any of you who have bothered to read my ramblings thus far may know that I am trying to get better. I agree that I hold back, but there are some things I can do now that I didn’t do for a long time: I can sit in Nandos with my friends, or eat pizza at home, and I don’t always clean my hands after touching things now. 
I just want to let you know that I’m done feeling stuck. The real me likes to get things done, so why aren’t I “done” getting better yet? Why should fear stop me? The fear that normal won’t be good enough after all the hard work has stopped me for too long & I’m done with being scared. 

In many ways, I can be confident. I’ve never been afraid to travel places that are unknown by myself, or seek out opportunities for dancing by myself. When I want something I usually just get on and do it, so that’s what I need to do now. 

I love all of you wonderful people & I might be biased, but I really do have the best friends in the world. 

Lots and lots of love

Xxxxxx

Diagnoses are confusing. 

I remember how simple it was in the beginning. You know, those days when I was a teenager with anorexia and depression. No complications. No symptoms that swayed around. I never wanted any problems, obviously, but once I was losing weight and felt in control I was comfortable with being anorexic. I felt like that was just part of my personality. 

Time passed. Binges happened. Compensating for those binges happened. A lot of guilt, a lot of failed attempts to restrict, and lo and behold a new problem was born. Hi OCD. Nice to meet you.

Since developing bulimia I’ve just fought to get back my anorexia. Intermittently I will be fighting to be well & normal, but not always. 

Now I don’t know what I am. It all seems unclear. Am I thin enough? Am I really restricting or does what I do not count as low enough? Am I still anorexic or is that long gone?
Those thoughts make me feel sad and kind of numb, like I might have failed. So what is it? Do you still have anorexia when you are weight restored but still struggling? Do you still have anorexia if it’s a response to time spent being bulimic? Who the fuck knows. 

A promise to myself

To somebody without depression or negative body image, these promise will sound silly. I’m just sat on a train thinking about events that have happened the past couple of weeks where I’ve spent time putting my make up on, choosing my favourite jewellery etc and thinking about how much I like doing that. The only reason I do the same makeup everyday, or wear clothes that hide me is because I lack the confidence in my appearance to make the effort very often. It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of doing whatever the bare minimum is for you, but actually, applying make up is quite soothing. Doing my hair is quite enjoyable. Wearing clothes I like feels nice. 

I promise myself to give myself permission to do these things. Sometimes I don’t feel deserving of feeling as nice as I could, but that definitely doesn’t make me happy!

I’m making a second promise to myself to watch one thing everyday that inspires me. 

Xx