I remember how simple it was in the beginning. You know, those days when I was a teenager with anorexia and depression. No complications. No symptoms that swayed around. I never wanted any problems, obviously, but once I was losing weight and felt in control I was comfortable with being anorexic. I felt like that was just part of my personality.
Time passed. Binges happened. Compensating for those binges happened. A lot of guilt, a lot of failed attempts to restrict, and lo and behold a new problem was born. Hi OCD. Nice to meet you.
Since developing bulimia I’ve just fought to get back my anorexia. Intermittently I will be fighting to be well & normal, but not always.
Now I don’t know what I am. It all seems unclear. Am I thin enough? Am I really restricting or does what I do not count as low enough? Am I still anorexic or is that long gone?
Those thoughts make me feel sad and kind of numb, like I might have failed. So what is it? Do you still have anorexia when you are weight restored but still struggling? Do you still have anorexia if it’s a response to time spent being bulimic? Who the fuck knows.