If I’ve sent you the link to this, it’s because I want you to know how much I appreciate you. Some of you know about this blog, and some of you don’t- so welcome, welcome. This is my space where I can share my thoughts with anonymity and also a place where I have found online friends who share their words of advice. (Shoutout to all you guys too!)
I’m sending you this because I suck at saying things aloud, but it feels important to me that you know how I feel. I feel lucky. I’m not an extroverted, super social person- and those of who who’ve known me a long time know that’s true! I’d always rather have a smaller circle of really special friends, than a large one of people who I couldn’t trust with the important things.
Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for giving me a hug when I needed one. Thank you for your patience when my obsessions become the focus of conversations which we have had over and over again. Thank you for loving me when I feel so unloveable.
The problem is my mind has been narrowed through years and years of mental difficulty which makes it hard to even see alternatives, let alone allow a different idea to enter in. I know that change isn’t impossible, but change is still very scary.
I’m scared you guys. I’m scared that if I let go, I will become overweight and out of control. That thought terrifies me, as does the ever constant thought that I’m not thin enough to have a problem anyway. Truth is, somewhere deep inside me I know that I will always doubt the validity of my illness to allow it to continue. Doubt encourages fear; fear prohibits change.
That deep down part of me knows that my life will be cut short if I don’t do something. The intelligent part of me knows that being anorexic is not something anybody should be gripping onto. Being cold a lot sucks. Headaches suck. Feeling the need to sleep in the day sucks. OCD sucks. And do you know what? Being able to feel bones sticking out shouldn’t be a measure of success.
Any of you who have bothered to read my ramblings thus far may know that I am trying to get better. I agree that I hold back, but there are some things I can do now that I didn’t do for a long time: I can sit in Nandos with my friends, or eat pizza at home, and I don’t always clean my hands after touching things now.
I just want to let you know that I’m done feeling stuck. The real me likes to get things done, so why aren’t I “done” getting better yet? Why should fear stop me? The fear that normal won’t be good enough after all the hard work has stopped me for too long & I’m done with being scared.
In many ways, I can be confident. I’ve never been afraid to travel places that are unknown by myself, or seek out opportunities for dancing by myself. When I want something I usually just get on and do it, so that’s what I need to do now.
I love all of you wonderful people & I might be biased, but I really do have the best friends in the world.
Lots and lots of love