Who gave people the right to comment?

This week has Worn. Me. Down. Like seriously, it has been so fucking hard. Had some classes that were really great, and a couple of lovely letters from two friends which was lovely, but I’ve also had some pretty negative shit come my way.

The performing industry is judgemental. Looks matter. Personality matters. But there are some people who take it upon themselves to make hypocritical, hurtful comments and not care about the damage they can do. What angers me most was what happened this week, which was a guy commenting on fitness AFTER TELLING US HE IS DOING A JUICE DIET. If that’s his idea of being healthy then fuck you. Is your body and nutrition perfect? Evidently not. So don’t judge a room full of young women on theirs. 

I’m also feeling very overwhelmed this week. I had my final appointment with my current psychiatrist, as it was his last day. I’m nervous about meeting his replacement and that’s definitely in the back of my mind right now.

The rest of my overwhelm is because my schedule is utterly unsustainable. My days have been made longer by an additional workout class being added before the normal day begins. I have no opportunities for a lie in. I have a total of 24 pieces to find (songs, monologues etc), no gaps between classes and no more than 20 minutes as a lunch break. Oh, and I work weekends and some evenings. While I’m doing all of the above I’m also expected to look perfect 

I’m not being funny, but this is just not possible. Maybe for a few weeks it could be kept up, but not for long. Humans need rest and unwinding time every now and then. I’d like the ability to go to bed before midnight. My workload is very high, so I get home and have lots of things that need tackling. I made a to do list last night and have achieved some things, but it sort of feels hopeless because I know more will just get added to the list on Monday.

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Anxiety.  

I’ve had some tough experiences since I last blogged. I had the urge to write about them, but always ended up bailing on my plans to write. I think it’s been overwhelming and not blogging has been a way of me avoiding some difficult thoughts.

Today I couldn’t do anything. I was just too anxious and on edge. My mind was full of racing thoughts (including the super helpful “mental illness isn’t normal illness so you are being a pathetic, lazy human”) obviously I know deep down that all illness is/ should be equal. I know it can feel equally bad; my mental health has definitely been as bad as physical ailments that kept me off school/ college etc. It’s just socially less acceptable and that is a pile of shit. #stigmasucks

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is day that I am capable of facing. I had a rest, which I very much needed today, but I can do tomorrow. 

Goodnight! Xx

Wish me luck….