Friendship 

Any kind of mental illness can affect relationships. People will walk out of your life simply because they don’t understand you, or you behaved in a way that was strange or frightening to them. Right now, as a 22 year old, I sometimes feel I should be more interested in meeting a guy. Thing is, it just isn’t a priority- or a good idea. My thoughts and feelings are currently too complex and changeable for another person to be that close to me. 

I’m also more introvert than extrovert, and time alone can sometimes be very refreshing to me. Loud noises all at once, groups of people I don’t know that well, and small talk just suck life out of me! That being said I value my friends very highly. I have about 10 people that are my closest friends. I make an effort to keep in touch when we are apart, and hope that they all know how much I love them. Aside from their guidance and kindness when I’m distressed, I also enjoy days out, watching tv, or laughing over something silly with these people. And when they are having a hard time I want to do anything I can to help. 

I am extremely lucky to have met friends that love me in spite of my difficulties, who find me funny, who see that I am thoughtful. They are utterly wonderful & I plan on keeping these friendships for the rest of my life. 💜💜

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Alone time, feeling things & being ready. 

I’ve been wanting to post for several days now, but the energy and time hasn’t been there! 

This week has been eventful to say the least. A college production has been problematic (won’t go into details, but trust me there was drama!) And I’ve also been thinking a lot about my thoughts on recovery. For the 4th time in my life, I’m in the position of being referred to the ED service. The last time I went I was adamant I wanted to get better, and even then I didn’t get well. Right now I’m on the fence about change; I want to be without the obsessional thoughts and body worries, but I don’t want to lose control. I’m not ready to give that up- and I know I would need a lot of support to do so, perhaps a level of support I’m not able to get. 

Yesterday I had a day for myself. I bought new shoes, got the housework done, napped, caught up on some tv/YouTube, and spoke to a friend. Being alone is actually quite important to me. I think my introverted needed requires me to have some time without other people, because it feels recharging for me. It’s rare I get days like yesterday and so I was so happy all day!

That happiness comes with the crash though. Today feels bleak and sort of dreary. My Mum said that I feel things more than the average joe on the street, so it’s normal to feel tired from the extremes in emotion. 

That’s it for now. Do you guys like alone time? Xx

Calculations & recovery

Yesterday I was listening to an episode of The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, where one of my favourite youtubes, Kati Morton, came on to speak about eating disorder, trauma, and mood disorders. (If you like podcasts and want to to listen, it’s free to download on the podcast app on iPhones 👌🏻)

There was one statement Kati made that just flicked on a lightbulb in my brain:

Eating disorders are all about calculations…. Purging doesn’t have to be vomiting. Anything you do to minus things in your calculations is a purge.

My own mind is driven on calculation. It isn’t as easy as counting calories; does a food feel safe? Does it smell a way that makes me feel ill? How much protein to cards does it have? Have I already had enough sugar today? This list is endless
I spend hours everyday making decisions about food. Have I done enough to warrant eating? Is usually where it starts. 
It comes as a constant surprise to me that I some really wonderful friends, because let’s face it, whatever we are doing I’m probably still hearing the voice in my head chattering on. I am lucky. But right now I feel like I don’t want to get better. Sure, I’d love all the benefits of recovery and being free from all the mental and physical difficulties, but I’m not thin enough. I’m not sick enough. I haven’t been ill enough yet to let go.