Yesterday I was listening to an episode of The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, where one of my favourite youtubes, Kati Morton, came on to speak about eating disorder, trauma, and mood disorders. (If you like podcasts and want to to listen, it’s free to download on the podcast app on iPhones 👌🏻)
There was one statement Kati made that just flicked on a lightbulb in my brain:
Eating disorders are all about calculations…. Purging doesn’t have to be vomiting. Anything you do to minus things in your calculations is a purge.
My own mind is driven on calculation. It isn’t as easy as counting calories; does a food feel safe? Does it smell a way that makes me feel ill? How much protein to cards does it have? Have I already had enough sugar today? This list is endless.
I spend hours everyday making decisions about food. Have I done enough to warrant eating? Is usually where it starts.
It comes as a constant surprise to me that I some really wonderful friends, because let’s face it, whatever we are doing I’m probably still hearing the voice in my head chattering on. I am lucky. But right now I feel like I don’t want to get better. Sure, I’d love all the benefits of recovery and being free from all the mental and physical difficulties, but I’m not thin enough. I’m not sick enough. I haven’t been ill enough yet to let go.