I haven’t written in the last week or so because I’ve been away on a college trip. I had the most incredible week in New York, spent with lovely friends. My first time in America in general, and I fitted in as many activities as I could. I also really enjoyed spending time with someone who I isn’t in my classes, and I’m sat in bed now missing the roommates chatting in the evening!
You know what’s hard? Going on holiday when you have any kind of mental disorder. My ocd thoughts were initially very high- there was a mark on the table in front of my plane seat and it set off the worries. Then I had to face food all week. I had to estimate calories on some things and I hate inaccuracy. I’m afraid I’ve gained weight, and if I’m honest, the only time I remember feeling remotely ok with my body was about 5 years ago after my anorexia diagnosis. I’m very unsure about what I want. As always my thoughts on recovery remain mixed, and the only real motivators for me are having more strength, and not hurting those around me anymore. Neither of these seem to be enough to help me change; I’m not sure what would do the job.
I have experienced a lightbulb moment this week though. Stood at the top of the Empire State Building I realised that I was looking straight down at people I’ve never met, some of which are probably just like me; some of which were probably caring for a loved one with a mental illness; some of which were probably mental health professionals. Looking at the view I a felt a sense of how small my little world really is in the grand scheme of things. My mental illnesses might be a huge part of my own world, but in the whole world my situation is one the same as millions of others.
I have a recurring mental image at the moment of myself in hospital, and I think it’s the idea of somebody else taking control of my recovery and health which makes this image comforting in a strange way… Yeah. I’m crazy. I think that validation of my illness and input from an outsider is what I crave constantly. I spoke to my gp today and mentioned that I sometimes think I don’t need my medication because I fine. Her response was but you’re not. You know that right? And I do. I know my mind doesn’t work like other people’s, and that my body is not nearly as efficient as my peers, but I get used to the difficulties and just carry on.